Today a light bulb click. As I nurse a cold, just finished moving old furniture with my ex and waiting for new furniture to arrive which didn’t…. Well, that is another story…had to use expletive language today. As I put the final touches on my family vacay…me and the kiddies…catching up and discussing the perks and cons of the single life….my ex asked me why would I want to get re-married? Apparently we both weren’t really great at the marriage thing…well let’s say he more than I. We are happier now, have a healthier relationship now that expectations of each other are thrown out the window. I paused when he brought up this concept. Then I mentioned my desire of possibly wanting to expand my family and finding my best friend.
Well, he pointed out how he is too old to have more kids…he is in fear of being an “old father”. He pointed out that by the time he is 48 years, (47 years for me) our eldest child will be entering college and our youngest will be a freshman in highschool. The risk of having healthy kids increases as we age….and if I was to have kids with an older man how the stakes are higher. Hmmm….. Do I take this as “blocking” , “pessimism” or is he really sharing facts. Well won’t fully agree with this point.
He asked me to recollect all the married couples that we mutually know and share one couple that is actually not miserable. Well, his definition of misery is different from mine. He mentioned, that how women are probably envious of me, because I already did the marriage thing, have two healthy and beautiful children and have my freedom to pursue who I want while I still have some youthful appeal. My rebuttal was of course, that is ideal for a male…but a woman always desires to be a “lady”….not a perpetual “jump off” or “side chick”. Also, I was able to recollect a few couples that I epitomize as the “ideal marriage”, noting relationships are not perfect….but two committed people that are willing to do the work can make something special. Face it I am a die-hard romantic.
I turned it around and asked him what does he miss about marriage. His only miss was the ability to have “intimacy” on the regular. Of course, as a man, what more would he want? LOL! He has a mother for his children where he actively participates in the co-parenting role. In terms of companionship, men can attain that temporary fix if they have a little bit of game and he has his friendship with his “ex-wife”–me that knows him like the back of my hand. While not married, living separate lives…you still provide that backbone for each other. Why, because you have no one else to turn to and there has not been anyone to step up to serve that role (whether we are looking for it or not).
The Dilemma In The Post Dating World
Is that a problem, YES!. Only divorcees could probably understand…well those that have ended amicably with children involved. Sometimes that relationship is preserved for the sake of the children. I will admit, while my children are comfortable with their parents separated…I do see the spark in their eyes..when they see both of us there together at an extracurricular event. I spoke to a guy friend recently, who is divorced…he mentioned his daughter is on Spring Break and will be vacationing with her mother. He would probably go out there for a couple of days for her sake…stay in a separate hotel room but be there for his daughter. If I was a single woman, never married and dating him, I would not understand at all. But as a woman who is divorced with children of her own….I emphatize. I also joked and asked him how is that working in his dating life? Of course he grinned, and said “Touche”. Admittedly, I also went to an amusement park with my children’s father….when there was no one else to attend. Imagine running around an amusement park with two kids that have large age gaps….it is a challenge. So there goes my dilemma.
To my potential beaus….in my straightforward face…step into my shoes as a single mother having to do it all by myself. Until a man is ready to pursue a real relationship and build something substantial…I will be happily unmarried doing what benefits myself and kids first. So yes, that means having my ex to help fix stuff around the house from time to time so our kids could have a safe home. When a serious contender comes along…I know how to play my role and be respectful and segregate the responsibilities.
I may not agree with my ex views 100% but I will say I am enjoying being “Happily Unmarried” at the moment. I currently do have the best of both worlds…until I am ready to pursue that journey with someone else.
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