My weekend away from the kids are my time to reflect on my life at its current state, decisions on getting a divorce and fill my time with friends and getting to know new people. My weekends used to be filled with family movie nights and game nights. I now look forward to that every other weekend.
This Friday evening I cannot help to reflect on my decision of getting a divorce. My decision was based on what I felt was my worth. I stood up for my beliefs. I hoped and still hope upon the resolution of my marriage I would find what I rightfully deserve. I am a hopeless romantic at its core. I want to be loved, cherished, respected as an equal partner and treated as a woman. I call a spade a spade. I speak my mind and what I feel…. Is it always appreciated….. No!
Would it have been easier if I stayed in my marriage and just compromised my beliefs and sacrificed my wants? I do think so. But how could I look at myself in the mirror?
Fast forward to present….. This question reoccurs in my mind…. I meet new people and think maybe what I desire is antiquated and a fairytale. I hear stories of men whom desire the Big Love lifestyle. After all our ancestors had many wives. This is America…. Equal rights for all men, women, ethnic and religion. I am in the millennium…… where women are CEOs, entrepreneurs, and running the household without a man. Do we need to revert everything back to history? To our ancestral lineage? Can’t we take what worked in history and symbolizes dignity, yet incorporate what us women have worked to instill equal rights? Is it wrong for me to seek equality in love. Where I choose to love and respect one person and want the same in return? We are in a society where everything is double standard. It is accepted for a man to desire to be with multiple women… However, for us women we are shunned from society. The world has evolved the prehistoric mindset of men must be changed.
Is it wrong to state what I feel at the moment? Am I too outspoken? Should I shutter my thoughts when I know when someone is being deceitful, conniving and not giving me their worth? Should I just bite my lip…. As maybe at the end I have someone in my life but yet still be unfulfilled?
Yes I will admit… My life would be easier if I stayed in my marriage. Maybe I should of just gotten over the issue that was ripping my core…And just submit to the marriage institution. I would not have to do two drop offs to school in the morning before heading into work, I would not be the only disciplinarian in the household when my children are fighting over their toys, my finances would be more solid and would have someone to lean on. But at the end of the day I have to look at myself in the mirror.
So maybe I was through with it all….and I had hopes to search for the perfect relationship where I am not compromising myself. I still do…. But am also proud that I am outspoken and if that means living a meaningful life with me, myself and I…. I am content. So let me continue to speak my thoughts….as I have much to be said.