Separated vs. Divorce…Handle It Before Pursuing My Heart


Current Situation:

My gym crush who has been participating in my gym classes over the past six months started engaging in small talk over the past few weeks with me. I gave him a gesture about a week and a half ago that it is okay to exchange information. So we did, still reluctant in making a move…I assisted him and hinted about various after work events. He seemed interested. Last week after boot camp class , he approached me about getting together after work. I obliged….and looked forward to finally getting to know this handsome being. I sat at my desk hoping the work day would end sooner. We engaged in great conversation over a bite to eat in the Financial District. Discussed work, gym, children, both of our desires to re-marry and have more children. I also learned he was “separated”– not quite a red flag yet. At the end of our meal, we mutually agreed that we enjoyed ourselves and would keep in touch. He was a gentleman, very responsive and expressed genuine care about what was going on in my life. Persistence is a winner for me and he was excelling in that area. Next day, we were both free and he asked me out to attend an after work social event together. I again obliged. We enjoyed ourselves, he expressed his interests in pursuing me and made sure I returned to my car near my job safely in the rain. When inquiring about his separation, the expression that “it will be taken care of” caused me to take pause. He mentioned that he plans to divorce…but there has not been any immediate action thus far. Yet there was eager assurance that it will be handled and equal excitement in wanting to pursue me. Hmmm.

After that evening, I decided to step back a bit. The excitement in getting to know me, while appreciated was a bit overwhelming after two dates. And….not to mention, he still “technically” married. His persistence and eagerness to see and spend more time with me was heartfelt. However, I had to be straight-up about my position and wants. This wonderful gent has been “Separated” for at least a decade and lives in the same dwelling while maybe in the basement or “man cave” as he calls it with his family. When expressing my concern, he was initially surprised. I guess other women he has dated in the past accepted his status of “Separated” and were understanding. I guess I was the only one who wasn’t. While re-assuring me that he plans to get a divorce….My rebuttle to him was how could I believe this from a man who has been “separated” for almost ten years. Why would the fire light under your butt now? I stated in a matter-of-fact manner….We can be cool gym buddies and friends….but don’t try to pursue me until you are divorced or the papers are filed. The discussion ended positively, and he respected my decision that he should pause pursuits of my heart. And said he will re-convene his pursuits once he begins his divorce process…and there is evidence. Fine!

My Position

My status is divorced. Meaning, I recognized that there were irreconcilable differences in my marriage that were beyond remediation. Upon realizing this I took action to end my marriage….so I could press on with my life. I duked it out over child support, discussed separation of assets with my spouse, filed for divorce and my ex-husband moved out. (Refer to blog post: Duke it Out- Screw A Lawyer! blog post) Now admittedly, the task was not done overnight….but I took care of it. While separated and going through the divorce process, I would meet wonderful gents. While they loved all of the goodness I had to offer, understandably their pursuits of my heart was not at full steam. Simple reason: I theoretically still belonged to my then husband. There was a risk that I would want to reconcile my marriage, curtail my divorce efforts and/or decide to stay married for the sake of family. I heard the warning from beaus of how they did not want to be in a position where they are shaking their heads between their hands uttering the words of Carl Thomas song “I Wish I Never Met Her”. I understood the predicament and would not want a man to be in that position, where they are drunken in love with a woman who is not one-hundred percent available to support their needs. So those pursuits of my heart were placed on Pause, friendships maintained. Risk that they will meet someone fabulous and better fit I assumed. Got it! I communicated my progress of ending my marriage to those who expressed interests. Candid on my advancements and delays.

Now that my divorce is final and handled….I expect whomever pursues my heart to have the same consideration of me. If you are not fully available or actively making strides and are content with the status “Separated” to perpetuity please move on. I understand divorce is a daunting process, expensive and a drain on your living standards. Fulfilling responsibilities in paying school tuition for your children as opposed to paying additional rent is not on your top priority. Sacrificing happiness for yourself to do this, I get it. But understand, that my wants and desires in life do not mesh well with your situation. For me, I am looking for a man who is fully available, not married, not living in separate parts of the family house, or just content in being “separated”. I aim to eventually build an empire with someone, possibly expand my family, establish a super power bond. How can two people work on this when you have not yet completely exited your former empire ruins? So step back….it is all copesthetic! We can be homies….but until you handle it….Nothing Else!

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