Over the weekend I had the opportunity to listen to Beyonce’s new fifth album. The entire music and video compilation is excellent. As a grown woman, I am able to identify with all of her songs. When listening and watching the video  “Jealous”….I could not help to recollect on my own experiences with men and the raw emotion of jealousy.

As a woman when you are in love and genuinely care for a gent….there is nothing more satisfying than sharing time with that person. You want to share life wonders with your gent and exist in his experiences….provided there is space for each of you to maintain your own personal identities. When the feelings are mutual….this is wonderful. Sometimes, competing priorities impair this from happening. Careers, family commitments, friends and various other items on the social calendar. Feelings become ruffled. Jealousy begins to creep in.

Scenario 1

A long work week, you hope to spend time with your Boo. There is a work-related social function he has to attend. You are understanding and genuinely hopes that he has a ball. A couple of days later, you hope that you can re-convene and hang out mid-week. Turns out there is another similar work-related function. You are cool and understanding. Part of the job is maintaining a social appearance. You get it….Do Your Thing! You decide to go home and watch cable. Friday night comes around….you ask your Boo Thang if he has plans. Of course he does….he is a social magnet. He has to catch up with his boys, they are attending the Brooklyn Nets basketball game. You are again understanding….give your Boo his boy’s time right? After a few weeks go by, you may have seen your dude only for a couple of hours maybe at best two times. You have an understanding of his hectic schedule. You continue to oblige as he travels and attends various functions. Checking up on Social Media….you see events your “Boo” has attended…while “work-related”  or “out with his boys” there are plenty of spirits, smiles and beautiful women. You trust your instinct and feel he is not pressed in meeting women…there will always be beautiful women everywhere. That is part of his job description. You can’t stress stuff you can’t control. When he has time, he checks up on you, right? However…the raw emotion of “jealousy” begins to tiptoe into your system

Photosource:www.fashbo.com

You decide to call your girlfriends. Instead of catching up over wine at each other houses or meeting up for brunch…..it is time to “step out” and experience the night fan fare. You aim to step it up and remind your mate that you can also be sexy. Not to compete with the background of women you saw at  events through social media, but to let him know you are a great catch too. You take out your “Freakum” dress….the night is still early….Time to get turnt up!

Scenario 2

A guy you have been dating works long hours at work….nothing too social going on there but the tap of his fingers on the computer or wait for the hours to go by and possibly save the lives from a life-threatening act. That is his lifestyle…..weeks can go by before you are able to get any serious one-on-one time. He finally has a couple of days of vacation to spare over an extended weekend. Instead of using that time to share and catch up with you….he decides to go to a Caribbean freak-fest with the boys.  I guess he is like Lamar Odom….”Blame it on the homies”. Again….while you decide to keep it local and attend low-key events with your girls…Social Media again…depicts bikini-clad women twerking everywhere. Jealousy seeps in again…..Time to pull out your “Freakum” dress and step-out. Share every angle of how your dress frames your assets on Social media. Right back at cha homie!

Scenario 3

Weekend approaches….and everytime you try to nail down a time on the weekend to connect with a guy you’ve met…he is never available. But has time for you on Monday through Thursday. You begin to take pause…..hmmmm. Jealousy trickles in..you begin to put your fancy backless “Freakum” jumpsuit on . Day party out with the girls. Men approach  and inquire of your status. Why it is “Single” until a gent tells you they want to date exclusively.

Scenario 4

You are married to this man, share a child with this man. Understandably, the two of you can’t go out together like before. Babysitters are expensive. Work-related Christmas parties no longer allow a plus one anymore. Both are grinding to get that second degree. Mindset is to build that empire together.  The choices of secondary post-graduate education that the two of you attend are in contrast. While both schools are equally respected, one has much more women and “social” networking events than the other. You learn to take turns in taking breaks from parenting. One night you hang out with your girls, the next night he is with his boys. Your nights-out with the girls end at a reasonable time…mostly in the house well before mid-night…and well if it is a later special event, home by two A.M. On his evenings out…he maximizes his time. The door creeps open when the birds are chirping….sometimes you hear footsteps at seven o’clock am. You awake to a vacant bed….wondering if he is okay, did he make it home safe? Did he come home and fall asleep in the basement, which he is notorious for? There is always a reason for the late night-out…you trust your hubby. However….jealousy begins to ooze in.

You are invited to a huge party….of course you put on that “Freakum” dress. Haven’t gone to an event like this since college, you look forward to this fraternity cabaret. Out enjoying yourself…two A.M approaches…instead of being considerate and taking your tail home….you reminisce about all of those times your man has been out to six A.M. You turn it up further and continue to enjoy the music. You and your girlfriends decide to attend the afterparty….all of a sudden you realize it is approaching five A.M. A bit too tipsy to drive your car home just yet, you agree to eat breakfast first. Finally in the car approaching home at six a.m…..your phone is ringing non-stop. You are driving about a 100 miles per hour on interstate 495….maybe your “jealousy” went a bit too far. You realize that you are in trouble, now.  How so, he hangs out that late all the time? This was only one occurrence. You verbally state that to your mate. The rebuttal comes….”I am a man, I can do that….you are a woman, you can’t”  Understanding somewhat where he is coming from….but becoming even more enraged and jealous.  Jealous that he is a man and he can get away with it and you can’t. The world of double-standards. The argument continues on. Apologies are shared….but hurt lingers.

Congressional Black Caucus approaches….the baby is with the sitter. You connect with your girlfriends, he is with his grad school connection. Both end up at the same happy hour. Your husband sees you from a distance…checking on who is checking up on you. Likewise you are doing the same. You approach his school crew that are engaged in flirtatious conversation with at least three some-what attractive “on their jock-strap” fellow business school women. He gives you some nonchalant Hey, muttering his introductions but does not introduce you as his wife. There is no body language that implies you are anything significant to him but a woman he knows. WTF! Okay got you! Not one to cause a scene…..you walk away to re-join your girlfriends and immerse in light conversation with other attendees. You keep it classy! Let him look from afar the woman he just disrespected is embraced by other lads eager to engage in conversation. Let him know that he is easily “replaceable”!

The Root 

The root of jealousy thrives from a woman’s needs not being met and their person of interest not acknowledging and/or taking her needs seriously. Lack of comfort of one’s person lifestyle and lack of compromise leads to unease. Confidence in your mate dissipates. Combine with the internet-age that provides information to confirm underlying reasons of unsettlement.  This eventually transforms a woman’s initial confidence to insecurity. The mate’s engagements surrounding with females pouncing on your territory begins to transcend your spirit. You wonder why you are not included? Maybe not to all events, but a few.  Let’s splurge for a babysitter so we can both go out. Especially if you are a “cool” chick to begin with. You have always got along with his friends, don’t complain and nag when out and never phased by other women checking up on your man. You know your his prize possession….so not pressed. No matter how confident of a woman you are….jealousy leaches at your heart. This is magnified when your dude is consistently out and about where women are aplenty….and not providing the re-assurance that you need.

We women are not crazy…..we are human. We possess that raw emotion of jealousy like men. We are more expressive of our feelings and a tad bit more emotional than men. Give us a reason, and yes we get jealous. It comes from our love and care for you. We want to be part of your life and want you to love us as much as we love you. If we are “jealous” that means our love for you is genuine.

So if you sense your woman is jealous, start to act right, provide her with the assurance she needs and if necessary mollify your lifestyle. You may just lose that woman who is holding it down or letting you know she is ready to be that “Ride or Die” Chick for you.

If not ready to be that man to that woman….be the bigger dude and let her know you are not. Don’t keep her lingering hoping she will be there when you are ready.