It has been close to eight months since my divorce has been finalized, a year and two months since I filed and about two years since I made the decision that I wanted to end my marriage. The roller-coaster until now was a bit rocky. I dealt with insecurity, frustration, and bitterness. In the beginning I wonder how such a drastic life change could be possible. Getting out of my comfort zone was a huge step. My initial emotion was failure. I failed as a wife and he was not the best husband for me. I reflected on all of the mistakes we both made and re-tracked mistake after mistake that made up the entire mountain of a burdensome marriage. No one chooses nor desires to abruptly end their marriage.
Once I found a way to re-establish my independence through divorce, I was overly anxious to get back out there. I needed validity that I was able to still attract a male despite being single with two children. My intentions were to enjoy the single life, mingle and meet new people. I admit, I was a bit curious of the single lifestyle, I became envious of the care-free tales of my single girlfriends. I also had an open heart eager to find love, my soul mate, a person that I can introduce to my lifestyle, accept my kids, respect my co-parenting situation and move forward in making a life together happen together. I wanted to continue to press forward from where my unity ended. That was a huge goal to have following a dissolution of your marriage. I was not yet healed from the hurt of my former marriage. I still had emotional baggage to deal with. Also I was a bit naive to dating. My girlfriend says I was not yet immune to the dating world, as I been in a relationship for so long. Therefore deciphering a man’s true intentions of just wanting a good time by taking advantage of a vulnerable divorcee to a man who really wants to build something posed a challenge.
Now gone through the dating merry-go-round and having a failed marriage, I realize while it is great to have someone in my life, I am not willing to settle for someone who does not value me nor wait around for someone who is simply not ready. I have learned to discover myself, what brings me joy outside from having a male companion. I begin to plan my spring and summer vacation plans and am quite excited to plan a family vacation (just the kids and I), a possible girls trip and a trip for myself. While it would be nice to have a mate to vacay with, it no longer consumes me. I can’t wait around for a mate to explore and enjoy life.
I became a better mother. While always there for my children and ensuring I can provide them with the best opportunities, certain tasks I always relied on their father to do. While he is still a major factor in their life, I have sole custody. I realize those once almost perfectly behaved children also have to deal with their emotions while coping with life changes. It is not easy for them. I learn to deal with a young man’s struggle of being a boy and the man I rely on as Mommy’s helper while dealing with his parents separating. His public antics, melt-downs are all his way of dealing with his emotions. I realize despite my son’s initial expression of support and understanding of our divorce, he is happy when he sees both of his parents at his practices. There is not always another person to help distract two kids from fighting over toys, it is all up to me. I learned to be more patient. I was so focused in dealing with my own emotional spiral, I at times neglected my children’s feelings. I slacked on some of the routines I religiously did prior to marriage. Reflecting on this weekend of fun-filled activities, it was nice to end it all playing a board game, each of us content with our new normal of just us three.
Now single for awhile, I believe divorce has made me into a better woman. I have become more confident and independent. I have a better understanding of my qualities and flaws. I have reached a happy space. I have slowed down my desires of wanting to be out and about to mingle and meet new people. I am no longer pressed. I also understand men better. Now my desperation has calmed, I feel I am in a better place of meeting a genuine person that is a good match for me. I am no longer in a rush to meet someone before my physical attraction wears off. I have forgiven my ex-husband and there is nothing but pure love and hope he finds happiness in all of his endeavors. I have maintained friendships with men that I dated who are great individuals but not for me at this time. I have incorporated productive hobbies in my life to more than offset destructive habits. I have a manageable social life and most importantly my children still think I am the coolest mom despite the various times my chaotic life has left me short-tempered.
While I wish I could have ducked some of the curve balls of financial woes, heartache, and disappointment; I am glad I experienced it all…it has made me in the phenomenal woman I am today. I am free to walk the pathway of life how I choose to.
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