“Conscious Uncoupling” is the buzz word of the week. Made popular from Gwyneth Paltrow as she communicated to the world her split with husband Chris Martin. So what is it? According to Paltrow’s lifestyle guru Dr. Habib Sadeghi:
“A conscious un-coupling is the ability to under-stand that every irritation and argument was a signal to look inside ourselves and identify a negative internal object that needed healing … From this perspective, there are no bad guys, just two people, each playing teacher and student respectively.”
Therefore you are constantly reflecting on your actions and how they triggered a “cause and effect” to the demise of your relationship. This is realizing that no two people are perfect and are without fault. It is accepting that both are contributory to the ineffectiveness of their union. Essentially there are no bad guys and no one is pointing the finger of blame at each other. Admittedly, this is no easy task. A person has to be able to take a step back and be open-minded on the disagreements shared at hand, bury the grudges and look at the relationship in third person. Humility and acceptance of your own actions is critical.
Helps In Eliminating Parental Conflict and Impact on Children:
The way you end a relationship, especially when you have to co-exist when children are involved is important. Studies have confirmed that it is “parental conflict” not divorce that impacts children. I definitely agree. Reflecting on my communication to my son about divorce, he was okay with our decision, because he said we were both not happy. What my son does remember, as he reminded me this morning during our walk to school in surprisingly detail one of my most heated argument I had with my ex-husband about a year and some change ago while going through the divorce process. In my son’s words he shared how I was a “crazy woman” while daddy was dodging my throwing of food objects and perhaps other objects while laughing with amusement because he effectively got under my skin. In his eyes he was winning the divorce struggle and remaining calm while in my eyes he was penetrating the “I f’d you over” knife right into my heart and bank account at the same time. A scene from “War Of The Roses”. While my son, old enough to be perplexed from all of the commotion was hurt that his two parents are having a Round One fight match in front of his eyes. Wow! That is not a memory I want him to have. But I will say the conversation was a healing, understanding adult discussion. I listened and spoke to a mature little man who has taking on the male role of the house, who knows how to calm and ease his own mother. He has begun to understand women as he deals with the hormones of his mother and younger sister. We were able to joke about it and I was able to explain that sometimes people who care and love each other become angry but get over it. Analogies were shared about his disagreements with his sister. Despite our poor decision of having heated discussions that blew out of proportion in front of our children, I am grateful my kids are understanding and still unconditionally love both of their parents.
Healthy Friendly Co-Parenting Relationship Has Thrived Post Break-Up
My ex-husband and I have gained long strides in healing and lets just say “conscious uncoupling” — understanding the root of our disagreements, the drivers that create emotional unease have allowed us to have an amicable co-parenting relationship. We have accepted our differences, realize our own faults, and forgave past actions. We meet each other not with tension, but with smiles. Okay….sometime there is tension….not going to throw daisies under your nose. If we were perfect, we would still be married. We are able to joke and share tales of dating after marriage, discuss our children’s development and respect each other’s independence. “Conscious uncoupling” removed the stigma of “Failure” from our marriage. Neither of us failed at our relationship….our individual energy just did not correlate well together.
“Conscious Uncoupling” in Dating
Since status has changed to “single”, after a period of frustration that a promising relationship has not pan out as planned…..I gradually “consciously uncouple”. I accept the root of the relationship’s incompatibility. There is no fault. Just two people who are compatible in many ways but the timing of our personal life journeys are not in sync, existing wants and desires do not intertwine. Certain personalities don’t co-mingle. No grudges….just accepting the differences and moving on. Katherine Woodward Thomas, the creator of the concept and the brainchild behind a five-week conscious uncoupling program says we need to rethink the heartbreak we feel when a romance ends:
“The problem is that we’ve all been taught to end our relationships in ways that often guarantee just these kinds of painful results. … The end of your relationship doesn’t need to be a painful ‘breakup.’ It can simply be a completion, and it can also be a wonderful transition into the next stage of your life . . . and your next relationship.”
With that being said, I am happy to say all my relationships with past beaus are amicable. In cases where they may not be….it is not because of any grudge that I possess but the inability of the other person to “Consciously Uncouple”.
See YouTube on Katherine Woodward Thomas “Conscious Uncoupling” theory.
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