So I am always blogging about the attributes to a quality relationship, what qualities you should seek in a mate, can you be with a man that is “damaged goods”, my perception of myself as the “Ride or Die” chick….you begin to think Wow! Her husband was crazy to let her walk out of their marriage union. Maybe he was like Good Riddance! (Well not really…that is our secret).
However, I will say my mouth probably ignited some deep-set wounds in our relationship. I am not one to bite my tongue. And when I really try not to express my feelings of disappointment and frustration…they build up and then there is a huge explosion of words. I credit it to my astrological sign of the “Bull- Taurus”. I do make a conscious effort to express positive thoughts before constructive criticism. But there are just some people…who will bring out my pre-refined educated mouth. But to my credit, my ex also can be a fireball himself and he has equally contributed to those wounds. I just chalk it up that our personalities clash.
In this case, I think I was the initiator:
I just finished a text battle with my ex-husband….over what? Is it really significant, well maybe not really. However, at this very moment it was. I became frustrated that the one simple task that I asked over a two-week period was to make reservations for back-up daycare for my children during the Easter holiday break. Well Easter Break begins tomorrow and lets just say he did a lackluster job. He decides to inquire today in the middle of New York City’s Spring Break…and has yet to receive a confirmation. Hello! Everything is booked! Now mind you he uses the protocol system of going through a customer representative to check availability. Really! The day before we need backup daycare? So of course, I had to re-perform the task he haphazardly performed. I call the two daycare centers directly that are close to my work that we frequently use. I eliminate the middle man. Well, to no surprise, my fear was confirmed…our last minute request was acknowledged that back-up daycare is filled to capacity. Go figure!
So instead of being calm and reacting as a sane person. My frustration overcame my happy zen. I have patiently reminded him via text, phone calls, and directly over the past couple weeks. Why I just didn’t do it myself in the first place? Would of avoided this circumstance. Maybe because I feel I do everything, so why not delegate this simple task? This failed request re-hashed my ongoing frustration that was pervasive through our marriage, divorce and now co-parenting existence. My takeaway: There is never any sense of urgency except for his gym time (which trumps EVERYTHING! Kids schedules have to work around his love for the gym) and he is always discounting my career compared to his. He neglects the fact that I may also have important meetings this week. If all else fails, I can work from home. The gender role career battle!
Now my text-message reaction began with me confirming that I
1) Re-did the simple favor I asked him to do. Basically,“I was more effective and faster in finding the answer than him” and how he waited until the last-minute.
2) Questioning his logic: Inquiring as a parent what does he really bring to the table (A Huge No-No for a healthy co-parenting relationship)
3) Reminding him how selfish and vain his actions are and how he just makes life more difficult for me. (Basically, at this point I really have little to no respect for him as a person– which is definitely not good).
4) Followed all of that with some expletives. (The point of no return!)
Was that the correct approach? Of course not. However, I did try all forms of reason, compromise, intelligent discussions before hand, and nothing worked. Effectively, I felt that I am the only person being accommodating in this co-parenting relationship. As a result, my frustration reached its peak and negative remarks were shared.
At the end of the day, did I win? No! Now my Ex is equally frustrated. Is he going to try to help after realizing he was at fault? Nope! He is now flipping the bird at his phone at work and calling me a “Crazy B$%!#@!
Thus, the correct way to handle was either just made the appointment myself. I am aware of his strong and weak attributes, and setting appointments is not one of them. Maybe I was out to prove something. Or despite this mishap, calm down then have a discussion on Plan B.
So yes I am Not Perfect! In Fact I am a “Work-In-Progress”. Negativity is Ineffective. Nobody Wins!
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