I Want Our Children To Be Raised In A Two-Parent Household!
I Do Not Want To Be Considered A Failure!
What Is Wrong With Me or Us?
Why Can’t We Just Be Happy?
Should I Sacrifice My personal wants and desires for the sake of family?
Where Did The Love Go?
These are the common thoughts when contemplating a divorce. There is anxiety when coming to terms with the reality of dissolving your marriage.
For me it was agonizing. I went back and forth with the decision for days which turned into weeks then months. Would I regret staying or leaving my marriage is what was internalizing in my head.
It was my decision, the choice of nurturing my needs and my pursuit of happy.
Was my ex-husband a bad person? No! He is a wonderful individual but starkly different from me in many ways. This made the decision to get a divorce harder. We had different outlooks on what we saw in the next phase of each of our lives. The choice to stay and compromise my wants, desires and beliefs jabbed at my inner sanity.
I flip-flopped with my choices in outcomes. One day I would decide to work it out. The other to move on.
A family vacation to Disney World will allow me to see the true treasure I had in our marriage. A splendid idea! Our family enjoying some time away from the madness. Our love will be rekindled and memorable family moments would be shared. Sometimes couples need to get away from the routine is what I was told. Maybe that could mend the hurt that I felt when recently discovering our desires in life were not in sync.
Yes, the family vacation was memorable….but instead of a rekindle it was the last Hooray! The final cherished family vacation for the children and us to spend our last moments of exploring life and the world together.
Upon returning from vacation, the reality was still there. I remained empty inside. Our choices in life were not in sync. And it ate at my soul. At every chance, I tried to escape our realism of a marriage where I saw myself compromising my sanity to support a man who decided not to do the same for me.
I started to venture out. The introduction to New York City’s nightlife. I met new girlfriends who were currently living the single life. I began to re-discover myself and the meaning of joy to me.
Yet, my self-esteem was not there yet. My confidence of leaving my marriage was not fully developed. The How, What, Where, When, and Who were questions that still barked loud and clear in my head.
While emotionally and financially independent prior to marriage and an equal contributor to our household, I depended on this man for the past 7 years to discuss my grief, insecurities, anxieties and exhilarating experiences in life. We share two children together. He has seen me through my worst. Swollen feet, unkempt hair, drool on my face, labor pain face and splashes of blood everywhere during my c-section operations. Yet, there was this fundamental disagreement that disregarded all of the history we shared.
I embraced life with a partner for the past seven years. How will I do this alone and with two sets of large eyes looking up to their mother?
What will become of our family? Will my children be okay? What will happen to my spouse? Will he be understanding of my feelings? Will he cooperate or give me a hard time?
Where would I live? Where would I seek guidance? Where will everyone be once the news gets out that I am a Divorcee in the making?
When will I be able to regain my independence? When will the divorce process end?
Who will I become? Will I be an old maid affecting everyone with my unhappiness? Will I become ill through chronic depression? Or will I persevere? Will I find the true happiness that I deserve? Will I be the best me that I can be? Will I eventually move on and possibly find a connection with someone else?
The divorce decision! The anxiety leading to one of the most stressful choices I ever had to make in life. The worries of whether I was making the right decision.
About over a month shy of my one year anniversary as an official divorcee, these thoughts still sometime linger in my head.
I have grown, lived and learned. I am a stronger and more independent me. I have battle wounds of survival and have grown to be happier in my skin.
Maybe I may not obtain all the wants and desires in life that were limited within my marriage. But I had the courage to break away and give my 100% best in trying. I am still kicking trying to be the best me I can be.