As the one-year anniversary approaches to the Judge’s final consent to officially end my seven-year plus marriage….I can’t help to reflect on what a whirlwind year it has been. My temperament and experiences varied from exhilarating to at times feeling depressed. Taking a step back and studying my behavior from last summer until now… I can break out this past year in different behavioral patterns. The phase of healing from the love and union of my marriage was predominately experienced from my divorce decision to the end of the filing process. The progression in the past year can be broken into 4 distinct phases- Embracing Independence, Desperation in Not Being a Perpetual Single Divorcee, Lonely and Reclusive Period, and Embracing Reality and Loving Me Phase.
1st Phase Single and Fly- I Did It- Divorce Party Time: Twas the days of summer in 2013. I was finally able to get out of my reclusive shell and embrace the single fun summer days with my girlfriends. Great times experienced in Martha’s Vineyard- Who needs a man, when you have your girlfriends to experience life moments?
Mission was to maximize on my free time as per the approved parental custody agreement and experience New York under the fresh lens of a single-again professional female. I had a completely different lifestyle the past 4 years living in the New York area and sporadically experienced the single-life of New York in my 20s when living here the first time. Guess you can say my 20’s was all about being Boo’d up (in a committed relationship). Well say no more, I have girlfriends and I can occasionally fish and flirt with a whole entire sea of single men in the NYC Metro area. The cuffs of marriage have set me free. No need to explain that I am going through a divorce, because I am divorced and my status is now “single”. I am optimistic about life post-divorce and eventually finding love again.
2nd Phase Eagerly Seeking Husband #2: Well the “Party All The Time” phase sort of ended with the Summer. Don’t get me wrong I was still on the social scene, but relationships that were established with potential gents, I was curious and ready to discuss the possibilities of the next chapter- “Exclusivity” a “Committed Relationship”. The conditioned me, of always being in a relationship began to set in. After-all one of the purposes of removing myself from my current marriage was the thought of finding love again- meeting my “Soul Mate” that was my best friend as well as a marriage partner. Well, the dating scene slapped me in the face POW! This was new territory and even more of a challenge than I thought being a single mother of two. I was vulnerable and maybe it showed or I was just too freaking trusting and optimistic. This NYC Metro dating scene is brutal! Wasn’t really dressed in my armor to shield my heart. Sure I was gaining the attention from men, as a fresh divorcee I dealt with my stress through the gym and I tried to make sure I still appeared physical appealing to the opposite sex to complement my intelligence and charismatic personality. But, I wasn’t prepared for life to get in the way of the connection. As you become older, there is career, family and life that just gets in the way of letting love blossom. And there is always an occasional sleaze ball that will say anything to have a chance for a possible physical connection. You ask all the right questions, take the initiative in reaching out and maybe introduce them to your kids if not in person via shared photos. Reflecting now, maybe I was too eager as well, and I was just sticking out like a sore thumb. Oh well, Get Over It…Life Goes On!
3rd Phase I Can Do Bad All By Myself!: So realizing the dating scene was not all what it is cracked up to be and realizing you can’t always spend your free-time with friends- as they have a life too. Some are cultivating their own relationships with the opposite sex and they just have an independent single life period- family near by and etc. Also the financial responsibility living as a divorcee began to take precedence. So I took a break and was literally treading water. I briefly gave up on any hopes of dating and finding a new gent. Plus, why do I need to go on another emotional rollercoaster? I Can Do Bad All By Myself!
So I began to plan my life’s next chapter as a single independent woman…not putting my life on hold in hopes that a gent will get their life together and we could be in sync. Discover myself again, take a trip abroad alone (oh also have to plan a mega trip with the kids too- that was 1st priority). The Spring was approaching, it was time for me to shake off the depression and enjoy the contagious optimistic rays of the sun.
4th Phase Back To Earth- Happy Medium, Love Me, Love Me, Love Me!: Now as we are fresh in July, I can say I enjoyed my experience navigating the NYC single professional scene and night life. I have established my independence, but now have an appetite for more cultured events, spend more of my downtime with my sprouts, cultivate the hobbies that make me happy. I have not given up on dating completely, I just do not revolve my life around it anymore. I realize that I have established great friendships with gents and ladies alike over the past year-a couple from dating experiences where the timing and compatibility of each other wants were a bit off sync. One of my best guy friend’s always says to me…. “Stop looking for love…it will happen when you’re not looking for it”. Well I am now a true believer of that saying, as when you are looking for it, sometimes you attract the bad wolves or waste time with great men that just don’t share your interests and goals in life and/or just in two different places. My rebuttal to his saying was you have to make yourself open to dating. But I know there is a balance that includes making yourself the number one priority. You can be too eager or too underwhelming which both don’t work in your favor. Nevertheless, my focus is improving on loving me, being a better mother, daughter, sister, friend, co-worker, leader and blogger. Some of these roles were a bit neglected throughout my first year transitioning as a divorced woman.
I Have Persevered and Am Stronger and More Confident! I Love Myself and Am Content With My Life and Any Addition To My Life Would Just Be A Plus!
I Am Interested To Hear About Other Divorcee’s First Year Transitioning Period. Please Share Your Insights!