I came across this interesting article about a single mom’s dating struggles on Evan Marc Katz’s site. In her case men are interested…but only for a potential good time not for a relationship as they are in to her but do not want the responsibilities of dealing with the children and ex-husband. This woman’s experience and Evan’s advice is my reality of my date-life as a divorcee. My approach to dating has evolved like Evan’s advice suggests. I shifted from dating men without any attachments to the 40-something divorced with kids. However, the challenge remains on the ultimate time you are available compared to a woman who has no responsibilities. The divorced are enjoying their new post-marriage life and well…. the journey continues. So I say just be happy within, enjoy life’s blessings, your sprouts and eventually one day maybe the perfect match will come. But don’t waste your pretty dwelling on it. Enjoy this read my Single Mommies!
I haven’t posted in awhile. I am about to fall upon my two year anniversary since I was officially divorced..and am at peace at the moment.
Why as you may ask haven’t I posted?
My mind has been spinning. I have been discovering myself. Finding my internal happy. Not supplemented by infatuation, masked by fake love by someone who is not really true. Continue reading Shenanigans
As a divorcee with kids, your dating prospects includes those with and without kids. Your kids are an integral part of your life, so naturally you want to make sure those prospects will be able to connect with your sprouts and you and their offsprings will be able to mesh together. Continue reading The “Playdate” Date! What to Expect!
I thought this was a great article on HuffPost Women. Having passion with a guy does not necessarily make him relationship material. This is where many of us women get it wrong. Enjoy!
I lived the majority of my life with a “passion trumps all” mentality.
I would pass on any relationship that felt “ordinary” or predictable. If anyone wastotally into me, I had an allergic reaction, immediately running the other way.
I also chose ambiguous relationships where I never had any kind of conversation to figure out where I stood with a guy and, therefore, made lots of assumptions.
Often, when I wanted commitment, he would agree, but his actions never matched his promises.
I never wanted to seem too intense or be that “crazy girl,” so I kept quiet. But on the inside, my stomach was always in knots.
Quick flashback: I had ended a five-year relationship and met a leading matchmaker in New York City, who was looking for single gals. I was a total newbie — fresh on the market from my broken engagement. She sped me through years of therapy in her informative intake and told me she had a great guy for me — a relationship-minded guy which, to me, sounded like code for “boring.” I quickly flashed to a life of predictability and void of excitement.
“But will we have chemistry?” I asked.
She replied, “I know you love passion. It’s clear after knowing you for one hour. I promise that if you keep going for the smooth dude, you will be 40 and single.”
Well, cut to me: 40 and single.
The matchmaker (now my best friend) set me up with many good guys, but I always returned, saying, “I just don’t feel any connection.”
My friends labeled me as “too picky” and I justified it as “not wanting to settle.”
The truth is, no one could convince me. I was on the chemistry road to nowhere. So, how did I finally get off the road?
One day, the matchmaker told me she had found someone, but his relationship readiness was not convincing. Her advice: “You are exactly what he needs, so if he is ready, it will be perfect. If not, don’t stay for the sex.”
Well… I stayed for the sex.
I stayed (two years) thinking that I could love him into commitment. Wrong, so wrong (cue the horrible sound accompanying the wrong answer “X” on Family Feud).
But I had to OD on my pattern. Doesn’t it suck that we often only grow from intense pain and disappointment? But this relationship was a turning point, and for that I am grateful.
I had a come-to-consciousness moment when this guy (who was now about to marry another woman) called and said, “I will never love anyone as much as you. If I could have one wish, it would be to go away with you and snuggle like only we do.”
I was slightly horrified, and, yet, oddly flattered that I rated so high. Not good. (I know this.)
Obviously, I did not plan on “snuggling” with a man days before his nuptials, but I did come from a family where my dad cheated, and my mom took him back many times. You might say my threshold for nonsense is way too high — and you would be correct.
Most women would hear something like that from a man going to his bachelor party, and hang up the phone and never answer his calls again. I never saw “bachelor party” guy again. Instead, I landed on the green couch of my therapist.
Dr. Kim — the oracle (totally a Matrix reference) — leaned forward in her chair (always code for something profound is about to happen) and said, “You know that good sex doesn’t mean a good relationship? You know that, right?”
“What do you mean?”
She repeated, “Good sex doesn’t always equal a good relationship. Good sex equals good sex.”
I asked (in the most childlike way possible), “Am I supposed to live in a loveless, boring relationship where I have no desire to have sex? I’d rather live like a monk.”
“No, that is not what I said, Di Ana, that’s what you heard.” She always gets me when she says my name. She’s good, real good.
I softened, “But he is the most amazing snuggler in the world.”
“Do you want a relationship?”
“Well, all I am saying is you confuse the two.”
“Well, maybe.” I recoiled. Truth is, I do confuse amazing sex for amazing relationships all the time.
A fulfilling sex life is important, but it cannot be the only reason you stay with someone.
I honestly believed that if I loved these men enough and was an incredible partner they would eventually commit. But you have to be able to see what is happening vs. what you wish would happen.
- When someone doesn’t want to commit: walk away. You can’t love someone into commitment.
- Listen to their words, but see what they do. Action matters.
- “Relationship-minded” is actually a trait you should look for in a man.
I found a whole new level of passion when I started dating relationship-minded men. Who knew? It is far from boring; the connection that develops from reliability, trust and communication is exciting.
Once I realized this, I found such profound freedom. Now, when I date a man and the chemistry is off the charts, I do not go into fantasy mode.
If we have an effortless connection, I let it be just that — effortless. Instead of analyzing his words and the way he tilts his head while saying them, I wait to see if his words will match his actions.
In short, I look for no rules and no games. I choose to see what is, while enjoying every minute with someone who is committed to taking the ride with me — bumps in the road and all.
Thought this was a good read! Very Concise but Telling! Enjoy!
Many people are so focused on finding someone to be their significant other, that that they overlook the fact that they’re not ready for commitment. You’d think you’d realize you don’t want to be in a relationship, but that’s not always true. Instead, you may be a craving to have someone in your life to share things with. Don’t confuse this feeling with being ready to be in a relationship.
Here are some signs that suggest you might not be ready for a relationship:
1. You’re drawn to the wrong person.
Time after time, the person that you’re attracted to is in no way the one you should be with. Even though you’re warned that they might be a huge player or a loser, it doesn’t stop you from latching onto them. It also doesn’t take very long to realize that you’ve made a big mistake.
2. You are only happy when you have “someone.”
When you’re invited to a social event, unless you have a date to escort you, it’s likely that you’ll make up an excuse to not attend. This is never a good reason to jump into a relationship. You need to learn how to be happy with yourself first.
Some women feel like they need to “fix” someone. This translates into drama. They find someone who’s dysfunctional and then keep busy by trying to saving him. Being a therapist isn’t the same thing as being a girlfriend.
On the flip side, you might want someone to save you. If you’re constantly talking about what a mess your life is, it’s important to fix it all before you’re ready for a real relationship. You’ll most likely attract another person with all of your same issues, so neither of you will get better.
3. You think a relationship will complete you.
While this sounds great in a movie or in a book, reality is a bit different. There should be no completing. In fact, you might consider looking for a partner who will complement you. This makes you look a lot less needy.
4. You spend more time looking for love than enjoying your interests.
Granted, you do need to be out there in social situations if you ever plan to meet the right person, but don’t plan all of your outings around “The Hunt.”
5. Your baggage is holding you back.
You haven’t truly and thoroughly dealt with any leftover emotional baggage from previous relationships. Until you do, all your future relationships will be “rebounds.” Another person isn’t necessarily going to take your mind off of your ex.
6. You don’t feel you can be your authentic self.
There is no need to turn yourself inside out to make sure you’re exactly what someone else wants. Be more concerned about whether or not the other person is exactly what you want.
This is a question I have eternally struggled with on more than one occasion. There is a struggle between maintaining a healthy co-parenting relationship for your children’s sake and attaining your own happiness as a single woman with aspirations of finding a second chance in love.
My post-divorced dating experience as a single mom has been quite interesting and intuitive. I have dated gents that have yet to start a family and gents that are divorced and/or single fathers. I have not discriminated and have experienced a couple of great connections from both sides of the camp. From my dating experience here are a few observations. Continue reading Dating As A Single-Mom: Team: Gent w/ Kids or Team: Gent w/o Kids