Damaged Goods…Ruined or Fixable?

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Since entering the dating scene as a fresh divorcee….I have become perplexed with some of the men I have encountered. To be specific a certain demographic….the late 30’s to mid 40’s single metropolitan professional men. These gents at their root are wonderful individuals. These men are the backbone within their community, successful in Continue reading Damaged Goods…Ruined or Fixable?

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Ready, Set, Mingle!

Ready, Set, Mingle!.

For all my single mommies out there that plan to enjoy the adult Halloween festivities and were lucky to get a sitter lined up after you finish trick-or-treating with the sprouts! Get your mingle on! Happy Halloween!

Happy Spook To You!

Halloween is a day I cherish with my little sprouts. The excitement on their faces when transforming into their chosen characters… Chasing after the pitter patter of little feet as they trick or treat for candy. Choosing the right neighborhood in New York City that is the most festive is always a puzzle. As you don’t want to disappoint. The metropolis embraces the holiday amongst adults and children alike. I love the city for its holiday spirit…. And am glad to share with my tweedle dees.

This is my first Halloween as a divorcee, the kiddies and I will be trick or treating sans their father. There is not much difference as the holidays were always more my thing than his anyway. Often times he would work long hours and would arrive towards the end anyway. Nevertheless…. I plan to make this Halloween a memorable one for them. After all don’t we always want the best for our sprouts?

I hope everyone enjoys this spooky day and stays safe. Happy Spook to you all!

The “Adjuster”

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Call me the “Adjuster”. My middle name should be “accomodate”. Heck, many of my girlfriends should change their middle name too. Us as women, that is what we do….”adjust”….when we are in a relationship or marriage. We adjust our lives, interests, schedules to accomodate that gent who is important to us.

I have considered myself one of the coolest girlfriends and wives out there. I will rock out to Dave Matthews, Jimmy Buffett and any garage band, groove with Prince and get my gangsta lean on with Snoop Dog. I love sporting events and can hold my own when the topic of discussion turns to Fantasy Football while sipping a nice cold one.  I can put bait on my fishing rod. I chuckle at my colleagues male watercooler jokes….I get the alpha male humor. Not afraid to mess up my hair because of my motorcycle helmet, a swim in the ocean, a 10K run, a bike ride or cruising with the convertible top down. I get crazy with the kids and relish in the opportunity to re-live my childhood.  I can and don’t mind “adjusting” to whomever my significant other’s interests are. I am open-minded and revel in new experiences…. my motto in life has always been Carpe Diem!

What also exists, are my core interests in life that include….my love for dance, theater, musicals, travel and romantic comedies. I recollect through my love life experiences….there has always been some reluctance from my other half to join me in my zests for life. Many times, in the past….I placed my wants and desires aside….supporting my other half’s interests. Sacrificing my time and adjusting my schedule to make sure that person was getting their “boo time” with me by being involved in their life pursuits. There were times that I would get so caught up….when the relationship ended….I would have to re-discover my independence, my interests and desires without that person in my life. I realized from my long-term post-college relationship….that you can support their hobbies and interests, but also do what makes you happy with or without them. That includes your time spent with your girlfriends.

It is often cited from my wedded and un-wedded male friends….”Tonight I am out with the boys”  or its “Boys night out”. Men look forward to their male-bonding time. There is nothing that can pry them away from their appointment to huddle with the dudes and discuss like-minded interests. Many women have tried to find many distractors…but I will tell you the only thing that will make your man pause is if you are about to go into labor. Otherwise, kids birthday, your birthday, anniversary…that will be celebrated the following day. That is their way of “accomodating”.  Humor aside…..I applaud my men in realizing that male bonding is an important part of their being and sanity to attain their balance. Their spouse or significant other doesn’t always have like-minded interests and sharing these interests with their boys is imperative. That is okay, matter-of-fact it is great. However, over-indulging in your male bonding time where your wife, significant other and family are neglected I do not applaud.

I aim to achieve the same bonding time with my women…however, in my experience it has not always been that easy. I remember through my marriage, it would be my turn to spend with my girls…as my then husband had his time out the night before. So I would reach out to my girlfriends to see if they have time to hang…..and many of them were in relationships (not yet married), “adjusting” to their man….I term it “working on the ring”. So their man was home….they were home. Nothing planned…. but was cherishing their “boo” time. I got it….and let them be. So while my girlfriends were “adjusting” what do I do with my free pass to enjoy myself? I learned to pursue some of my other interests, whether going to a seminar, taking a dance class, going to a play, or expanding my education. Anything that was fulfilling to me. The following day, my girlfriends would often ask what I did… and I would share and hear a 20 minute earful of how she wish she did more and yadayadayada. Matter-of-fact the only time my attached girlfriends would be available was only when they knew their man had something planned too.

To us women…we “adjust” and we should to a certain extent. But don’t loose sight for your zest in life. Maybe you will succeed in getting that “ring” or keeping it on your finger for now….but I believe a sustainable, healthy and happy marriage or relationship is built from two people who both have separately fulfilling lives of their own. When the two come together and “adjust” to each other, there is something new to discuss and appreciate.

Now divorced….. I have much more time on my hands to fulfill my zests in life. I understand that many of my girlfriends are in different stages in life…some have new family additions, some are “working on the ring”, some are just settling in marriage and some are just enjoying single-life like myself. Despite which stage you are in…..make it a priority to alot time to  indulge in your interests and don’t just “adjust” for someone else.  I enjoy my girl time and hobbies, where they are just as much of a priority as my fellow gents time is with the boys and watching the game. So while I still consider myself the “Adjuster” and you can easily insert “accomodate” in my John Hancock…. I am adjusting and accomodating for myself as well as the next potential mate. So girlfriends place me on your calendar so we can embrace our “girl time”!

The mere though…

The mere thought of divorce terrified me. To me, divorce symbolized failure.

Annette Funicello

This is a common thought amongst married and unmarried folk alike. When speaking to my many gent and lady friends who have not yet married….this is cited as the number one reason they have not taken that plunge down the altar. They don’t want to fail….to me not giving yourself the option to experience marriage or true companionship like marriage, is limiting your growth as a person…and to me not trying epitomizes failure. Marriage to me is a beautiful experience. While my marriage did not last…..I do not think it was a failure. It allowed me to learn more about myself and grow into the wonderful woman I am today. I was able to better learn my own needs and desires from life and adjust accordingly. If given the opportunity, I would do it all over again. Cherish your marriage….and if it is not working…don’t view it as a failure but as a learning experience that will help write the exciting next chapter in your life.

Taming of the Shrew/ Bugaboo

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Nagging

The number one complaint I hear from men about existing and past relationships and marriages. How it drives or drove them away…all that nagging and complaining.

Checking In

Another popular complaint, why do I have to check in? I don’t even check in with my mother!

The Root

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As a woman, as much as a man hates their woman nagging them to death, we also equally hate being considered a “brat” and having to pester, remind you of your worth and ours. Nagging derives from the origination of a dislike, concern, or care for a person’s wellbeing. This dislike or concern at best was a derivative (maybe the 4th, 5th or 6th) from a soothing expression of our care for you. Our “care” for you reaching your potential of being the best husband, boyfriend, father, professional, friend you can be. We want you to thrive and are your number one cheerleaders. Our initial good intentions have been elevated, as we view the man has disregarded our concern and care for them as a being and their care for us. Thus the initial calming expression of our concern has transformed into frustration.

When you are or attaining to become a significant part of  a woman’s life, we like to let you into our world by sharing what goes on when you are not around. We also expect that same reciprocity. We like to know if you are going away and made it safely. Not because there is distrust or we are trying to map all of your whereabouts…But because we care for your well-being and have an interest in what goes on in your life when we are not around. Reaching adulthood, attaining your own place, having financial independence…you are now beating to your own drum. Willing to share your life with someone, by way of marriage or attempting to achieve exclusivity, adjustments should be made. Pursuing a relationship and being in one……you should want to let that person know your whereabouts and share what makes you being who you are. So why not check-in?

The Tamer

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The examples of successful marriages and relationships that I have seen in my life, are those where there is an understanding between two people of their expectations and each other’s limitations. While there is disagreement, there is respect for each other’s feelings that the two are willing to come up with a solution. During my travel days with my business colleagues that were married…..I always remember them excusing themselves for 5 minutes to check in with their spouse that they arrived safely, making sure the kids had a normal day and etc. Through several interactions with my married male friends, whom I view have a successful marriage….there was always references of them accomodating their wives “reasonable” expectations. They wanted to avoid the “nag”…..they eventually got it and realized that they are loved and their significant other just wants them to thrive in the best way that he can. Similarily my married lady friends would state the same….maybe it wasn’t the “nag” they were avoiding…in their case the “silent treatment”.

Taming Alternative 1)

Avoiding the “nag” and accepting the “check-in”

  • Listen to your woman
  • Realize her intentions are from the heart and are not ill-willed
  • Adjust and accomodate to her needs
  • Or reconcile an understanding

Taming Alternative 2)

  • Ignore the “nag”
  • Disregard the “Check-in”

The “nag” does not continue in perpetuity. Us as women become tired of hearing our own thoughts knowing they’re not acknowledged. We are not as long-winded as men think. Eventually the “nag”  and inquiry of our significant other whereabouts dwindles……we have reached an understanding that our expectations and theirs are not correlated. We stop loving, caring and thinking of your well-being. We become “tamed”…that person whom we thought was significant in our life…..loses his “shrew” and “bugaboo” and often reluctantly regrets as that “shrew”  moves on and eventually transforms into someone elses queen. Thus goal accomplished we are “tamed” but you as the man who decided to ignore and disregard are now alone.

Harvest Celebrations

Many friends ask me how I am able to keep busy and my kids active yet also wear all the many other hats I wear. For instance today was a jam-packed day for the kids. For some reason it always is busy on my weekends with them. Purposely so. It enlightens me to see my children’s expressions when we are out and about in Manhattan exploring all the options the city has to offer. The weekend before Halloween there were all types of festivities going on in the city, coupled with birthday parties and the routine dance class and basketball clinics today. Needless to say an exhausting yet satisfying day. Thanks to mommypoppins.comI was well informed of what type of harvest and Halloween festivities the city was offering. Thought I share a fee pictures of my Saturday with you all.

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“Ride or Die” Chick! A Divorcee Perspective

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The increasingly pervasive phrase which origined from hip hop culture is now the gold standard of what a gent expects from a lady. “Ride or Die” generally means having your man’s support through life’s peaks and troughs. Throughout my dating and relationship experience…..it was expected of me to be a “Ride or Die” chick.  I was honored to be and still am that woman. I feel every woman should be that stake in the ground that your man can reach out to. This is provided that he is equally supportive to you as well. So you may ask if you were this “Ride or Die” chick why aren’t you still riding it out for your marriage? Great question! Was it expected? Yes. Before answering that question…. let me go back to what I think “Ride or Die” means and provide what some of my male counterparts believe it means.  My perspective of what qualities a “Ride or Die” chick should have entails….uplifting and inspiring your man to achieve the unattainable, be a contributor to the household not necessarily financially– establishing an empire together, loving him for who he is and not for his status or possessions, understanding that he does need a break and time to himself and it is not always about “you”, there for him when he is sick, happy, frustrated, confused, as long as it is not compromising your inner happiness, beliefs and self worth. Now my men while many have similar views as mine, but it does amaze me that through various conversations I have had there is this  reference of “ohhh that persons wife was there with him while he was spreading his wings across the United States or should I say “doing his thing”, she is a “Ride or Die” chick!”……uh no. While maybe infidelity  was not a deal breaker for that woman that does not constitute “Ride or Die”. (Now infidelity of whether you should leave or not….is another blog topic)  Or this woman was holding the house down while her man did 10 years in prison for a wrongful act that he was indeed guilty for. That is not in the definition either.  If someone chooses to stay…. I guess it wasn’t a deal breaker for that person. However for many woman if that is against your value and beliefs…it is okay to move on with your life. Nor is staying home and making sure your man’s dinner is at the table ready every day and the husband can’t even remember your birthday or anniversary and the only conversations you have are who is taking the kids to school….and it depresses you and there is no interest from the husband to remedy the situation. Or compromising your long-term goal of becoming an artist, traveling the world or having children. “Ride or Die” in my view is a two-way streak. I am a firm believer of you treat everyone like you would want to be treated. Distribute goodness, receive it in return.  Everyone has various standards and expectations from life and it is up to you to fulfill them. By that…it also means choosing the people in your life that will support your standards and expectations. If I am compromising my values and am unhappy with the person I have become…a fix needs to be made.  So, for me……I had to turn off the “Ride or Die” chick button and remove that stake in the ground…because I needed that stake to support myself.

While it may have took some time for me to come to that realization….as it is engrained in your mind from family, elders and peers that “marriage” is forever for “Better or Worse”…the only reason you should leave is if your man is physically beating you. It was a necessary step for my sanity. There were certain expectations I expected from my then husband that were not met. Not to say, I was the “perfect wife” because I had my issues….trust me! But, there was one expectation that was the tipping point….where I was like…why put up with everything else. This was the dealbreaker where that empire we were building together, I was willing to remove those cinder blocks and watch it all collapse….and start from scratch.

A personal journey and pathway to minimize obstacles living as a divorcee

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