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Approaching the dating scene with an open-mind and open-heart is suggested by many relationship specialists in getting back out there. Do not be too picky or close-minded, be approachable, allow love to let in. Yes, that seems easy, right? Just flash my pearly whites and enjoy the moment. “Let Life Flow!” Pure bliss will happen. Continue reading Caught Feelings Huh? Now He Acting Ignorant!
Keep people in your life who truly love you, motivate you, encourage you, enhance you, and make you happy. If you know people who do none of these things, let them go.
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When going through marital problems and a divorce with your spouse….is it fair for the In-Laws to put their two-cents into your affair? If so, should they take sides and threaten you from your children or attempt to make your life more miserable than what it is?
Two Different Scenarios:
(Disclaimer: these are fictitious and are loosely based on experiences shared by others)
Scenario 1:
Wife is upset that some of the bills are falling behind, she becomes frustrated, maybe she has been the main person holding a steady job while the husband has been spending frivously. She and her husband have conversed about this many times. She doesn’t know whom else to turn to but her father. The wife’s father becomes upset with this situation….he loves her daughter and gives her a loan.
Should the father-in-law approach the husband at all? If so, should it be a man-to-man talk or provide threats ?
Scenario 2:
Husband finds out his wife has been having an extramarital affair. The two have argued and discussed the situation. He still is injured by this knowledge and shares what he learned with his family. His family is well-to-do and has political and social influence. The family begins to threaten the wife for full custody in another state and sends other spiteful messages. Meanwhile, they begins organizing family trips with the children sans the mother.
Should the husband just have kept this issue between the two of them and deal with their marriage dissolvement without family input? Could he have spared the disgrace of his wife’s name to his family for the sake of their kids? If poor judgment was made by the husband…should the family still maintain an arms length distance from their marital affairs?
My Personal Experience:
When reflecting on my marriage….we had our issues. Some of those issues were so hurtful that as a woman I did need to lean on someone. I remember sharing my decision to get a divorce with my father. He did not nudge me in either direction, just listened and said I will come up with the right answer and do what makes me happy and put your children’s wellbeing first. That’s it period. No calling my ex, having a man-to-man talk or providing any threats. In fact, he pretty much stayed out of my decision to marry, my parenting choices and when visiting did his best to stay out of my husband’s way in handling the household….despite his differing views. When I did have trouble with finances…they were not discussed. He had a good sense when we were living on the hog or when we were just treading water. When he did have a sense, a modest check addressed to me would be in the mail and when I spoke with him, he would just give me personal financing advice to protect myself, not family finance advice nor did he have a talk with my husband.
My husband’s family were not dumbfounded and knew I was not always happy. His father from time to time would ask me if I was alright and if everything was going okay, during our family visits. Afterall, there were various adjustments throughout my marriage which would test any marital couple. I would quickly smile and say we are adjusting and the situation is improving. Matter-of-fact I remember they had to get on him when they saw me moping around the house because again…there were no anniversary plans. His sister began explaining the importance of incorporating a monthly date night to foster a healthy relationship. But that was the extent….. they never knew too much. I actually felt distressed that they knew that much…because I couldn’t maintain a poker face for a couple of days.
My husband has endured pain by me and I have by him….but he never shared his frustrations about me to his family. He kept them out of our affairs. In-fact when his mother and father were probing why we were getting a divorce….his answer was vague that “I wasn’t happy”. Now mind you…..that was not the excuse I wanted him to give. I huffed and puffed as I felt that answer did not show me in the best light. Why couldn’t he tell them that we just couldn’t reconcile our differences? Just say that….Gees! So my in-laws; the marital couple that have been married for over 40 years, see me as the woman that just wanted to deliberately end my marriage and family because I am not happy at the moment….which in their translation because they did not know much else….Oh he missed their wedding anniversary last year….so I guess she wants a divorce. Um No!!!!! Not it!! But I also bit my tongue….because no matter what the true reason is….I aim to foster an amicable relationship with the in-laws for my children’s sake. So no matter what it was….my fault, his fault would it really provide a positive outcome and healthy environment for my kids if we had a debate about it over our last supper?
While maybe my in-laws did disapprove of my choice….who knows? I really haven’t had that conversation. They never reached out to me and provided threats and their opinion on how I should work at the marriage. I know their number one priority is their son and their grandchildren. So once they knew the divorce was imminent…they just advised their son on the financial aspect of divorce to make sure he was aware to look out for himself as well as the kids. Make sure I wasn’t emptying his wallet. They also assisted him in getting his new place together.
So at present, I have dialogue with the in-laws, well via email and text. I share with them upcoming events and pictures of their grandchildren. No issues….well as of yet.
Now have I shared my marriage frustrations with my girlfriends? Yes! That is what us women do. There has been lessons learned there….but that is another blog topic.
My Viewpoint Going Forward:
When you are married, all discussions and issues should be between the husband and wife. Period. Only exception is a marriage counselor or your Pastor. Getting family involved is like “War of the Roses” multiplied by 2. There is no need to air your marital dirty laundry to your family. In-laws become vested in your spouse as well. So they not only become hurt because their son or daughter is distraught. They are also wounded because their daughter-in-law or son-in-law that they grew to love and become part of the family has indirectly turned their back on them. Not all in-laws are poised so some backlash is to be expected. However, any form of bullying that makes the grief of ending your marriage even harder, is not acceptable.
This marriage issue in my opinion is a tough one. I admire Khloe for her poise and strength as she deals with her marriage and her husband’s issues.
The gym has and continues to be my constant as I go through the ebbs and flows of my new life path. Now I have always been sporadically physically active throughout my adulthood but of course there are life obstacles that stray you away. Childbirth, work deadlines, kids activities, social commitments and the emotions of dealing with marriage, family and friends. But I will say the summer of 2012 was when I decided to make exercise a constant influence in my life. Last summer was a very emotional period….as I was contemplating my decision regarding my marriage. I needed an escape and outlet to channel my depression, grief, anxiety, confusion and lets just say control the inner “crazy chick” that started to amuse the visuals in my head of my children’s father becoming a full-size punching bag. So I needed to run from reality and clear my head. It began by taking AM three-mile runs along the Jersey City waterfront. Then I incorporated bootcamp, kickboxing, sculpting, dancing and spinning classes. The gym provided me with a sense of community. When you see others dedicated to attending class you aim to follow suit. I found a great instructor that was tough-spirited and played all of my favorite beats. A gym class that simulates a club experience? What??? This is a hidden secret. These classes aided me in channeling my negative energy into building my self esteem. I started to notice the change in my physical appearance, others began to take notice. And let me tell you a woman on the brinks of divorce….compliments on how together you look is the best positive reinforcement a woman could want. However, don’t get too caught up in the hype….you have to maintain your effort and also decipher between the compliments and just the dating “game”.
When I start my work day in downtown Manhattan and am bogged down with the occasional blues….maybe because I am frustrated on how tough it is to be a single mom and how their father could be of better help, bothered that my son went to school angry because I made him tardy again, or my post-divorce dating life sucks…and it looks like my new founded single-hood will be a constant state in my life, or forgot that I had a 9am meeting at work and was completely unprepared to provide a de-brief on my existing projects….My lunch date with New York Health and Raquet Club helps me clear out all of those frustrations. Regardless if I am prepared or not for my gym date….by the end…. I feel refreshed and positive-spirited that I conquered the task at hand. The perspiration from my gym class sheds the toxins of my blues away.
When I reflect on how I was able to manage through my decision in getting a divorce, going through the paperwork and court, the back and forth of negotiating and my current journey as a single mom and divorcee….the gym has been my relentless friend. The gym has been there to pull me up and build my confidence to where it is at present. The gym is my constant. The gym is my unconditional friend.
During the intense period in determining to get a divorce from my ex -husband…..there was another separation that I had to consider. The removal of my wedding band from my left index finger. This decision triggered me to take a deep pause….matter-of-fact I had to sleep a few Continue reading My Separation From The “Ring”
Since entering the dating scene as a fresh divorcee….I have become perplexed with some of the men I have encountered. To be specific a certain demographic….the late 30’s to mid 40’s single metropolitan professional men. These gents at their root are wonderful individuals. These men are the backbone within their community, successful in Continue reading Damaged Goods…Ruined or Fixable?
Nagging
The number one complaint I hear from men about existing and past relationships and marriages. How it drives or drove them away…all that nagging and complaining.
Checking In
Another popular complaint, why do I have to check in? I don’t even check in with my mother!
The Root
As a woman, as much as a man hates their woman nagging them to death, we also equally hate being considered a “brat” and having to pester, remind you of your worth and ours. Nagging derives from the origination of a dislike, concern, or care for a person’s wellbeing. This dislike or concern at best was a derivative (maybe the 4th, 5th or 6th) from a soothing expression of our care for you. Our “care” for you reaching your potential of being the best husband, boyfriend, father, professional, friend you can be. We want you to thrive and are your number one cheerleaders. Our initial good intentions have been elevated, as we view the man has disregarded our concern and care for them as a being and their care for us. Thus the initial calming expression of our concern has transformed into frustration.
When you are or attaining to become a significant part of a woman’s life, we like to let you into our world by sharing what goes on when you are not around. We also expect that same reciprocity. We like to know if you are going away and made it safely. Not because there is distrust or we are trying to map all of your whereabouts…But because we care for your well-being and have an interest in what goes on in your life when we are not around. Reaching adulthood, attaining your own place, having financial independence…you are now beating to your own drum. Willing to share your life with someone, by way of marriage or attempting to achieve exclusivity, adjustments should be made. Pursuing a relationship and being in one……you should want to let that person know your whereabouts and share what makes you being who you are. So why not check-in?
The Tamer
The examples of successful marriages and relationships that I have seen in my life, are those where there is an understanding between two people of their expectations and each other’s limitations. While there is disagreement, there is respect for each other’s feelings that the two are willing to come up with a solution. During my travel days with my business colleagues that were married…..I always remember them excusing themselves for 5 minutes to check in with their spouse that they arrived safely, making sure the kids had a normal day and etc. Through several interactions with my married male friends, whom I view have a successful marriage….there was always references of them accomodating their wives “reasonable” expectations. They wanted to avoid the “nag”…..they eventually got it and realized that they are loved and their significant other just wants them to thrive in the best way that he can. Similarily my married lady friends would state the same….maybe it wasn’t the “nag” they were avoiding…in their case the “silent treatment”.
Taming Alternative 1)
Avoiding the “nag” and accepting the “check-in”
Taming Alternative 2)
The “nag” does not continue in perpetuity. Us as women become tired of hearing our own thoughts knowing they’re not acknowledged. We are not as long-winded as men think. Eventually the “nag” and inquiry of our significant other whereabouts dwindles……we have reached an understanding that our expectations and theirs are not correlated. We stop loving, caring and thinking of your well-being. We become “tamed”…that person whom we thought was significant in our life…..loses his “shrew” and “bugaboo” and often reluctantly regrets as that “shrew” moves on and eventually transforms into someone elses queen. Thus goal accomplished we are “tamed” but you as the man who decided to ignore and disregard are now alone.
Happily Divorced and After 