Tag Archives: commitment

Amazing Sex Is My Blessing and Curse! from HuffPost Women

I thought this was a great article on HuffPost Women. Having passion with a guy does not necessarily make him relationship material. This is where many of us women get it wrong. Enjoy!

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I lived the majority of my life with a “passion trumps all” mentality.

I would pass on any relationship that felt “ordinary” or predictable. If anyone wastotally into me, I had an allergic reaction, immediately running the other way.

I also chose ambiguous relationships where I never had any kind of conversation to figure out where I stood with a guy and, therefore, made lots of assumptions.

Often, when I wanted commitment, he would agree, but his actions never matched his promises.

I never wanted to seem too intense or be that “crazy girl,” so I kept quiet. But on the inside, my stomach was always in knots.

Quick flashback: I had ended a five-year relationship and met a leading matchmaker in New York City, who was looking for single gals. I was a total newbie — fresh on the market from my broken engagement. She sped me through years of therapy in her informative intake and told me she had a great guy for me — a relationship-minded guy which, to me, sounded like code for “boring.” I quickly flashed to a life of predictability and void of excitement.

“But will we have chemistry?” I asked.

She replied, “I know you love passion. It’s clear after knowing you for one hour. I promise that if you keep going for the smooth dude, you will be 40 and single.”

Well, cut to me: 40 and single.

The matchmaker (now my best friend) set me up with many good guys, but I always returned, saying, “I just don’t feel any connection.”

My friends labeled me as “too picky” and I justified it as “not wanting to settle.”

The truth is, no one could convince me. I was on the chemistry road to nowhere. So, how did I finally get off the road?

One day, the matchmaker told me she had found someone, but his relationship readiness was not convincing. Her advice: “You are exactly what he needs, so if he is ready, it will be perfect. If not, don’t stay for the sex.”

Well… I stayed for the sex.

I stayed (two years) thinking that I could love him into commitment. Wrong, so wrong (cue the horrible sound accompanying the wrong answer “X” on Family Feud).

But I had to OD on my pattern. Doesn’t it suck that we often only grow from intense pain and disappointment? But this relationship was a turning point, and for that I am grateful.

I had a come-to-consciousness moment when this guy (who was now about to marry another woman) called and said, “I will never love anyone as much as you. If I could have one wish, it would be to go away with you and snuggle like only we do.”

I was slightly horrified, and, yet, oddly flattered that I rated so high. Not good. (I know this.)

Obviously, I did not plan on “snuggling” with a man days before his nuptials, but I did come from a family where my dad cheated, and my mom took him back many times. You might say my threshold for nonsense is way too high — and you would be correct.

Most women would hear something like that from a man going to his bachelor party, and hang up the phone and never answer his calls again. I never saw “bachelor party” guy again. Instead, I landed on the green couch of my therapist.

Dr. Kim — the oracle (totally a Matrix reference) — leaned forward in her chair (always code for something profound is about to happen) and said, “You know that good sex doesn’t mean a good relationship? You know that, right?”

“What do you mean?”

She repeated, “Good sex doesn’t always equal a good relationship. Good sex equals good sex.”

I asked (in the most childlike way possible), “Am I supposed to live in a loveless, boring relationship where I have no desire to have sex? I’d rather live like a monk.”

“No, that is not what I said, Di Ana, that’s what you heard.” She always gets me when she says my name. She’s good, real good.

I softened, “But he is the most amazing snuggler in the world.”

“Do you want a relationship?”

I nodded.

“Well, all I am saying is you confuse the two.”

“Well, maybe.” I recoiled. Truth is, I do confuse amazing sex for amazing relationships all the time.

A fulfilling sex life is important, but it cannot be the only reason you stay with someone.

I honestly believed that if I loved these men enough and was an incredible partner they would eventually commit. But you have to be able to see what is happening vs. what you wish would happen.

I realized:

  1. When someone doesn’t want to commit: walk away. You can’t love someone into commitment.
  2. Listen to their words, but see what they do. Action matters.
  3. “Relationship-minded” is actually a trait you should look for in a man.

I found a whole new level of passion when I started dating relationship-minded men. Who knew? It is far from boring; the connection that develops from reliability, trust and communication is exciting.

Once I realized this, I found such profound freedom. Now, when I date a man and the chemistry is off the charts, I do not go into fantasy mode.

If we have an effortless connection, I let it be just that — effortless. Instead of analyzing his words and the way he tilts his head while saying them, I wait to see if his words will match his actions.

In short, I look for no rules and no games. I choose to see what is, while enjoying every minute with someone who is committed to taking the ride with me — bumps in the road and all.

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7 Questions Every Single Mom Should Ask Before Agreeing To A Date!

This article is from a single mom on DivorcedMoms.com. I thought I share as I am currently trying to ponder and make sense of my own chaotic dating life as a single mother and divorcee and have experienced all of the characters aforementioned below. I agree with the author these are great questions to touch the surface of a potential budding relationship….but the caveat is to please continue your gentle and sweet interrogation throughout the dating process. However, through experience I have improved on my vetting process.

Continue reading 7 Questions Every Single Mom Should Ask Before Agreeing To A Date!

Why You Absolutely Must Date More Than One Guy At A Time

I thought this article was insightful about “Dating”. It parallels to my article awhile back “The Dating Game: Exclusivity vs. Keeping Options Open” which talks about my thoughts and personal experiences in dating. I am curious to hear thoughts and suggestions of whether you think it is okay for a woman to date more than one guy at a time.  For full article on Your Tango.com ,go to the following link:

Continue reading Why You Absolutely Must Date More Than One Guy At A Time

The Reason Men Pursue Sex Before Commitment

I thought this was a great article on YourTango. This is a response to a question to Annie Gleason a “Dating Coach”. Thought I share because this is always an interesting topic amongst my single circle. I am always at times coming to the defense of gent’s as I personally think not all men are “Sly Foxes” and it is just this reason alone. Enjoy! Full article at http://www.yourtango.com/experts/annie-gleason/why-men-press-sex-commitment#.VD_Q0vlSj9Y

Continue reading The Reason Men Pursue Sex Before Commitment

All Or Nothing: I Will Not Be Any Man’s Half-Time, Down-Time, Spare-Time Or Sometimes

Thought I share this article from elitedaily.com. Thought the article conveyed the current state of women’s frustration with dating and was uplifting as a reminder there are plenty of fish at sea. Enjoy!

This is for all the women who’ve ever been second to “GTA,” a pick-up game of basketball, and the strip club on 61st and 10th. It’s for every girl who has ever felt used, cheated or under-appreciated. It’s for every woman who has been put in a slot and taken out only when he was ready to play.

It’s for all the people who have ever felt like they were making a priority out of someone who only saw them as an option.

If he tells you upfront that he can’t commit to you, then it’s on you, right? You shouldn’t have asked for something he couldn’t give. You shouldn’t have assumed that he wanted to give you his full attention. You shouldn’t have been so goddamn needy. Continue reading All Or Nothing: I Will Not Be Any Man’s Half-Time, Down-Time, Spare-Time Or Sometimes

America’s Perpetual Bachelor-George Clooney is Engaged? Say What?

 

According to People.com, George Clooney is retiring from the bachelor life. George Clooney and girlfriend, accomplished British attorney Amal Alamuddin are engaged. Sources confirmed that the pair were spotted with friends where Amal was sporting a pretty nice rock on her left ring finger. Amal is 36 years old and George is 52 years old. Continue reading America’s Perpetual Bachelor-George Clooney is Engaged? Say What?

Situationships!

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Have you ever been caught up in a relationship, where you share intimate moments with someone, but are unclear of your defined roles with each other? Or emotions are so volatile, that you argue more than anything else. Sex is the only pseudo-healthy productive act stemming from the two of you.  If so, you were caught up in a SITUATIONSHIP! Continue reading Situationships!