During the intense period in determining to get a divorce from my ex -husband…..there was another separation that I had to consider. The removal of my wedding band from my left index finger. This decision triggered me to take a deep pause….matter-of-fact I had to sleep a few Continue reading My Separation From The “Ring”
Per my earlier blog I mentioned today is Family Day for Boy Scouts. So before the game the Pack decided to attend the Clyde Frazier restaurant and bar…. There is a half court basketball court for kids to play with, good food and close proximity to Madison Square Garden. Great idea. Additionally, it is Football Sunday which means the place has plenty of alpha males. Being an avid Redskins Fan I separate myself from the bunch to watch a little bit of the game. Where the pack is located in the restaurant….Purely showing the Jets game. By the way Redskins are winning! While at the bar I just happenstance sit next to another avid Redskins fan…. Attractive. Holds a great convo… And etc. The dilemma: this is a Boy Scouts event and my ex is hear talking it up with the Boy Scout fathers. He is also a Redskins fan so he comes up to the bar occasionally checking the score as well. Disclaimer: this is my weekend off…. So not really responsible for looking after the Sprouts running around. So I have this appearance that we are here as a family. And I am puzzled on how to handle the situation. First notion of course it really is not that serious…. Because I have plenty of opportunity to meet men on my allotted time during the week for networking. However, when do I get to meet someone that is attractive that just happens to be a Redskins fan. Oh the dilemma!
P.S. By the time I finished this blog entry the San Diego Chargers just scored…. So it looks like a Redskins loose.
Since entering the dating scene as a fresh divorcee….I have become perplexed with some of the men I have encountered. To be specific a certain demographic….the late 30’s to mid 40’s single metropolitan professional men. These gents at their root are wonderful individuals. These men are the backbone within their community, successful in Continue reading Damaged Goods…Ruined or Fixable?
For all my single mommies out there that plan to enjoy the adult Halloween festivities and were lucky to get a sitter lined up after you finish trick-or-treating with the sprouts! Get your mingle on! Happy Halloween!
Call me the “Adjuster”. My middle name should be “accomodate”. Heck, many of my girlfriends should change their middle name too. Us as women, that is what we do….”adjust”….when we are in a relationship or marriage. We adjust our lives, interests, schedules to accomodate that gent who is important to us.
I have considered myself one of the coolest girlfriends and wives out there. I will rock out to Dave Matthews, Jimmy Buffett and any garage band, groove with Prince and get my gangsta lean on with Snoop Dog. I love sporting events and can hold my own when the topic of discussion turns to Fantasy Football while sipping a nice cold one. I can put bait on my fishing rod. I chuckle at my colleagues male watercooler jokes….I get the alpha male humor. Not afraid to mess up my hair because of my motorcycle helmet, a swim in the ocean, a 10K run, a bike ride or cruising with the convertible top down. I get crazy with the kids and relish in the opportunity to re-live my childhood. I can and don’t mind “adjusting” to whomever my significant other’s interests are. I am open-minded and revel in new experiences…. my motto in life has always been Carpe Diem!
What also exists, are my core interests in life that include….my love for dance, theater, musicals, travel and romantic comedies. I recollect through my love life experiences….there has always been some reluctance from my other half to join me in my zests for life. Many times, in the past….I placed my wants and desires aside….supporting my other half’s interests. Sacrificing my time and adjusting my schedule to make sure that person was getting their “boo time” with me by being involved in their life pursuits. There were times that I would get so caught up….when the relationship ended….I would have to re-discover my independence, my interests and desires without that person in my life. I realized from my long-term post-college relationship….that you can support their hobbies and interests, but also do what makes you happy with or without them. That includes your time spent with your girlfriends.
It is often cited from my wedded and un-wedded male friends….”Tonight I am out with the boys” or its “Boys night out”. Men look forward to their male-bonding time. There is nothing that can pry them away from their appointment to huddle with the dudes and discuss like-minded interests. Many women have tried to find many distractors…but I will tell you the only thing that will make your man pause is if you are about to go into labor. Otherwise, kids birthday, your birthday, anniversary…that will be celebrated the following day. That is their way of “accomodating”. Humor aside…..I applaud my men in realizing that male bonding is an important part of their being and sanity to attain their balance. Their spouse or significant other doesn’t always have like-minded interests and sharing these interests with their boys is imperative. That is okay, matter-of-fact it is great. However, over-indulging in your male bonding time where your wife, significant other and family are neglected I do not applaud.
I aim to achieve the same bonding time with my women…however, in my experience it has not always been that easy. I remember through my marriage, it would be my turn to spend with my girls…as my then husband had his time out the night before. So I would reach out to my girlfriends to see if they have time to hang…..and many of them were in relationships (not yet married), “adjusting” to their man….I term it “working on the ring”. So their man was home….they were home. Nothing planned…. but was cherishing their “boo” time. I got it….and let them be. So while my girlfriends were “adjusting” what do I do with my free pass to enjoy myself? I learned to pursue some of my other interests, whether going to a seminar, taking a dance class, going to a play, or expanding my education. Anything that was fulfilling to me. The following day, my girlfriends would often ask what I did… and I would share and hear a 20 minute earful of how she wish she did more and yadayadayada. Matter-of-fact the only time my attached girlfriends would be available was only when they knew their man had something planned too.
To us women…we “adjust” and we should to a certain extent. But don’t loose sight for your zest in life. Maybe you will succeed in getting that “ring” or keeping it on your finger for now….but I believe a sustainable, healthy and happy marriage or relationship is built from two people who both have separately fulfilling lives of their own. When the two come together and “adjust” to each other, there is something new to discuss and appreciate.
Now divorced….. I have much more time on my hands to fulfill my zests in life. I understand that many of my girlfriends are in different stages in life…some have new family additions, some are “working on the ring”, some are just settling in marriage and some are just enjoying single-life like myself. Despite which stage you are in…..make it a priority to alot time to indulge in your interests and don’t just “adjust” for someone else. I enjoy my girl time and hobbies, where they are just as much of a priority as my fellow gents time is with the boys and watching the game. So while I still consider myself the “Adjuster” and you can easily insert “accomodate” in my John Hancock…. I am adjusting and accomodating for myself as well as the next potential mate. So girlfriends place me on your calendar so we can embrace our “girl time”!
The mere thought of divorce terrified me. To me, divorce symbolized failure.
Annette Funicello
This is a common thought amongst married and unmarried folk alike. When speaking to my many gent and lady friends who have not yet married….this is cited as the number one reason they have not taken that plunge down the altar. They don’t want to fail….to me not giving yourself the option to experience marriage or true companionship like marriage, is limiting your growth as a person…and to me not trying epitomizes failure. Marriage to me is a beautiful experience. While my marriage did not last…..I do not think it was a failure. It allowed me to learn more about myself and grow into the wonderful woman I am today. I was able to better learn my own needs and desires from life and adjust accordingly. If given the opportunity, I would do it all over again. Cherish your marriage….and if it is not working…don’t view it as a failure but as a learning experience that will help write the exciting next chapter in your life.
When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they ‘don’t understand’ one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
Helen Rowland
The increasingly pervasive phrase which origined from hip hop culture is now the gold standard of what a gent expects from a lady. “Ride or Die” generally means having your man’s support through life’s peaks and troughs. Throughout my dating and relationship experience…..it was expected of me to be a “Ride or Die” chick. I was honored to be and still am that woman. I feel every woman should be that stake in the ground that your man can reach out to. This is provided that he is equally supportive to you as well. So you may ask if you were this “Ride or Die” chick why aren’t you still riding it out for your marriage? Great question! Was it expected? Yes. Before answering that question…. let me go back to what I think “Ride or Die” means and provide what some of my male counterparts believe it means. My perspective of what qualities a “Ride or Die” chick should have entails….uplifting and inspiring your man to achieve the unattainable, be a contributor to the household not necessarily financially– establishing an empire together, loving him for who he is and not for his status or possessions, understanding that he does need a break and time to himself and it is not always about “you”, there for him when he is sick, happy, frustrated, confused, as long as it is not compromising your inner happiness, beliefs and self worth. Now my men while many have similar views as mine, but it does amaze me that through various conversations I have had there is this reference of “ohhh that persons wife was there with him while he was spreading his wings across the United States or should I say “doing his thing”, she is a “Ride or Die” chick!”……uh no. While maybe infidelity was not a deal breaker for that woman that does not constitute “Ride or Die”. (Now infidelity of whether you should leave or not….is another blog topic) Or this woman was holding the house down while her man did 10 years in prison for a wrongful act that he was indeed guilty for. That is not in the definition either. If someone chooses to stay…. I guess it wasn’t a deal breaker for that person. However for many woman if that is against your value and beliefs…it is okay to move on with your life. Nor is staying home and making sure your man’s dinner is at the table ready every day and the husband can’t even remember your birthday or anniversary and the only conversations you have are who is taking the kids to school….and it depresses you and there is no interest from the husband to remedy the situation. Or compromising your long-term goal of becoming an artist, traveling the world or having children. “Ride or Die” in my view is a two-way streak. I am a firm believer of you treat everyone like you would want to be treated. Distribute goodness, receive it in return. Everyone has various standards and expectations from life and it is up to you to fulfill them. By that…it also means choosing the people in your life that will support your standards and expectations. If I am compromising my values and am unhappy with the person I have become…a fix needs to be made. So, for me……I had to turn off the “Ride or Die” chick button and remove that stake in the ground…because I needed that stake to support myself.
While it may have took some time for me to come to that realization….as it is engrained in your mind from family, elders and peers that “marriage” is forever for “Better or Worse”…the only reason you should leave is if your man is physically beating you. It was a necessary step for my sanity. There were certain expectations I expected from my then husband that were not met. Not to say, I was the “perfect wife” because I had my issues….trust me! But, there was one expectation that was the tipping point….where I was like…why put up with everything else. This was the dealbreaker where that empire we were building together, I was willing to remove those cinder blocks and watch it all collapse….and start from scratch.
Thursday which we call here in Manhattan is Thirstdays. Celebrate that the weekend is approaching. Opportunistic time to go to an afterwork networking/social event and meet others of the opposite sex that have similar interests and drive as you. Three months out from my divorce, I have attended a few of these events. Now might you ask…..”Are you ready to get out there aren’t you still coping?” And my response as I would say to anyone with my angelic smile….”Why of course…can’t be dwelling on what didn’t work forever” While secretly I am like “Hell Yeah!”. Thursday evenings are reserved for my dating life…which includes networking or of sheer luck an actual date. Babysitter reserved, nails done, and dressed in one of my more sexually appealling work attire outfits I am all set. Now being a little seasoned in how this rolls….it typically starts off with me ecstatic to see my single girlfriends which provides me ease that no matter what happens in my free couple of hours, I will have a great time hanging with and catching up with the chicas. As a divorcee in her 30s, in this city with plenty of single women who are also in my age range and lets just say dont have any liabilities to tend to but themselves….two words: “competition” and “challenge”. Where “challenge” is not exclusive to the women but also to the men you meet. Often at these venues I meet either the 1) single approaching 30 year-old who is beginning to think he wants a serious relationship but has limited dating experience 2) the mid-30 to early 40-year-old that has never been married, wants a family but has a too independent lifestyle which makes them clueless on how to put forth the effort or 3) the divorcee or single dad who is enjoying post-singlehood too much that I have to question when do they spend time with their children. While these are usually the 3 options, I am always optimistic that there is a diamond in the rough out there who may fall in either of these buckets but is willing to put the effort to shine out from his category. Conversely, if not successful in meeting that gent I am able to meet a possible business connect or friend. So I flash my smile, work the room and start up a conversation. Past initial physical attraction, agreement of some similarities through small talk between myself and a gent, there is always the question of “status”. What is your status??? Now prior to the completion of my divorce when I met my girls as a stress outlet, I cringed when that question was presented. Seriously, who wants to meet someone who is going through the works of a divorce? Translation: She is not really available and is unstable. Now, while not quite reveling in my defined status I look forward to saying I am single and divorced….a better option of the two. However, that still poses challenges. I still see a slight disappointment that I am not single without any attachments whatsoever or I meet the sleazeballs that are elated and think I am in search for just a good time. However, I will say every now and then I do meet a true gent that is open to exploring the possibility of dating a divorcee. That is the encouraging part….I guess that is why I look forward to my Thursday mingle nights and getting out there. What is the worst that could happen….I meet new people and enjoy a couple of cocktails with my girlfriends. Not a bad alternative.
Happily Divorced and After 