“Don’t Expect Much! As When You Do….Expect To Be Disappointed.
I ask myself should this be the new mantra in dating? Now I know all
Have you ever had that uneasy feeling, that your mate or love Continue reading Intuition or Paranoia? 6 Tell-Tale Signs The Relationship Is Taking A Dead-End Turn!
Some people think that it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go.
Letting go of people in your life that do not uplift or benefit you but deflate your spirit despite shared history is a sign of strength. You may feel at times you may owe it to the person or the connection each of you share with each other to hold on, ride the rough patch out. But sometimes that rough patch is too rugged that it stifles your own personal growth. It is not worth mending, or you are the only one trying to smooth and buffer the situation and/or relationship. Let it go! How can you move forward into the new and discover the greatness you deserve if you have not let go of the damaged goods.
Sometimes letting go, also showcases if something was really there in the first place. The other person taking the other one for granted may recognize this and decides to put forth the effort in mending, smoothing and buffering. Unfortunately, though at times it maybe too late. The other person may have moved forward and is living a fulfilling life with no need for interruption.
Embrace your inner strength, move forward and let go! Let Life Flow! YOLO!
Reflecting on my still brief but yet much eye-opening post divorced life….I reflect on all of my anxieties and fears that I endured since my decision on getting a divorce until now. There was first the fear and uncertainty on how I would be able to handle being a divorcee with two children….then it was the fear of following in my mother’s footsteps….divorced, never re-married, over-worked, once kids become grown life-post children is faced with living as a stroke and heart disease victim.
So as a fresh divorcee….I sub-merged myself in the dating scene. Perhaps I wanted to secure my prospects of finding husband number two before approaching the age of 40, while I still have some sex appeal and able to bear children. Boy, have I met some characters. Now reflecting, while I personally felt I was healed and over my past marriage once I filed the divorce papers, I didn’t really give myself a chance to re-discover and define myself post-marriage. I didn’t allow time to adjust to the divorcee life-style and living a fulfilling life sans a man. Don’t get me wrong, my life has always been fulfilled with children’s school and activities, vacations, spending time with friends, gym time and work….but I always had someone there to share, vent, or blame my life’s wonders and wrongs with and on someone. So, admittedly, upon meeting new prospects, I was eager to continue my life’s chapter and replacing old shoes with new ones, without missing a beat. So, I was always quick to open up and share the intricacies of my day at work without fully vetting out a lad. Don’t get me wrong, I ask all of the right questions…and they always provide the right answers. What are they looking for in a woman? What are their aspirations/ goals? Have they ever dated a person with children? Do they want children? Are they looking to getting to know someone on a serious level or just dating? Where they are in their career? And so on and on.
While I am still the upbeat, independent and feisty woman who just oozes firecracker personality without even trying. But those weekends when the children are away, have been the most difficult. Admittedly, I am a serial-monagamer. I always been in a relationship. Prior to marriage, I dated my college sweetheart for over six years and my highschool sweetheart for four years before that. So, experiencing life as a single woman has always been brief. I was always swept off my feet by some lad who was willing to be the Knight in Shining Armor committed to being a better boyfriend/ lover than my ex. So I do have my moments of loneliness as a divorcee. My weekends to myself are used to relax, catch up on loose ends and favorite television shows, and spend time with friends. But, initially I had a vision that my ever other free weekend would be filled up with some gent trying to capitalize my free time aiming for his spot to be potential husband number 2. Now after more than over 20 weekends sans the children, I can say that imagination has been left at just that. My weekends have been used primarily in re-visiting and getting to know me without doting on a husband. Very rare has it been occupied with some gent. Of course there is always schedule conflicts!
I have become adjusted and comfortable in my status of a single mother/divorcee. I am alright with spending my weekends solo or with friends. I find equally productive activities to do without the need to include a plus-one or requiring a plus-one. I have adjusted to being a sole-rider. I have accepted to being that super woman with or without her kids to all events.
While it would be awesome to eventually share my life with someone and possibly expand my family, it is not a requirement for me to live a happily fulfilling life. I will not settle for someone who does not value me for the amazingly, smart and charismatic woman who I am. I used to aspire to travel around the world and experience the world’s greatest treasures with someone. Now I aspire to do that on my own. You can’t wait for someone to co-star in your own movie…..the production budget and team may not always be there. So I say to me and to everyone: Embrace your own spotlight. Fulfill life’s experiences as a sole-rider until or never that other half joins you. When that gent or woman does, know that special person is deserving and will be lucky and appreciative to be by your side cherishing all of your expressions and emotions as you both use this world as your canvas.
Are You Dealing with Damaged Goods? Time to Clean Out and Dispose! Let them fix themselves on their own. Until then Let Life Flow! Enjoy new beginnings and know your worth!
I decided to research a variety of sources on the drivers that lead to infidelity. By this, I mean cyber, physical and emotional affairs. I personally do not believe, an affair is limited to the sexual act in itself. If you sought extended amount of emotional support elsewhere beyond your same-sex friends and family but did not engage in sexual activity outside of marriage, you indeed had an extramarital affair. Therefore, an affair with or without sex is in the same territory, in my opinion. Most of the reasons cited through various sources were repetitive. The origination of extra-marital affairs resonated to my own real world experiences through the lenses of my personal encounters and discussions with family and friends alike. The most frequent reasons most cheaters stray, men and women alike are because of these resolvable marital issues:
1. Besides living under one roof- not much else is shared: According to research and statistics; couples who lead separate social lives are much more likely to cheat than couples who spend more time enjoying common friends and interests. If there is no commonality between the husband and wife, maybe you need to question why you got married in the first place.
2. Feeling misunderstood or under-appreciated: Basically, if your mate is complaining and is always criticizing (Refer to: Taming of the Shrew blog) and it is not being addressed….that person is going to eventually seek comfort elsewhere. Tend to your relationship NOW, because there is work to be done.
3. Roommates sans the sex: If you are holding out and not connecting with your mate physically or providing that emotional fulfillment that stems from sexual intimacy, well expect your partner not to remain resilient for too long. Your partner may begin to look outside of the relationship for physical or emotional fulfillment that derives from intimacy.
4. Our lives are changing or in transition: Now this happens. (Refer to: Divorce Top 10 Reasons blog). Children, retirement, a mid-life crisis, a new job, loss of parents all occur in most people’s lives. These major life changes are also a catalyst for cheating….and also divorce. Commonalities between two people are not shared. Communication is important before, during and after transitions happen, make sure everyone is on board with the decision for change or can emotionally handle unexpected changes. Refer to: The Linkage Between Trust and Communication blog).
5. Reward Thyself Mentality: Sometimes your partner feels they have been grinding, handling the bills, taking care of the house, children and everything else under the kitchen sink. Yet they feel unappreciated and again needs are not met (See #3 and #2), difference is they feel under appreciated not only by their mate but from everyone else too. They feel “sacrifice” is their middle name. They are always putting other needs before their own: family, work and friends. Instead of addressing this frustration with their partner to at least rally one cheerleader in their corner or are unable to do so because of unparalleled communication lines; they may reach out for gratification elsewhere to satisfy some unmet desires. “Reward thyself…..I deserve it!
I agree with the Top 5 Reasons. Sometimes it is a combination of these reasons that lead to reaching out for emotional comfort and intimacy from someone else. Now this list does not apply to the “Chronic Cheaters” who have always been that way prior to marriage with no intentions on changing. The “Chronic Cheaters” I categorize as the people who should never get married as they are so into their selfish ways by tending to their own quick sex-gratification needs regardless of the other person’s feelings. This list applies to the people who have reached out and engaged in an extra-marital affair as a result of seeking some support and/or finding some commonality that was not achieved through their marriage union.
What Are Your Thoughts? Have You Experience or Participated In An Extramarital Affair Because of Any of These Reasons? Do You Think It Is More Complicated or Simpler Than That?
Many people ask what does it take for a successful and lasting relationship? There are so many dating and relationship books out there. We read them, take their suggestions and use them in our relationships. However your efforts do not benefit the relationship if only one person is committed to them. You can be more affectionate, passionate, responsive, compromise your time, take initiative, contribute to the household, but despite your effort, the relationship will not work if your efforts are not given back in return. So when someone asks me, what makes a relationship work, I say it is simple— Reciprocity!
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary the definition is as follows:
: to do (something) for or to someone who has done something similar for or to you
: to have (a feeling) for someone who has the same feeling for you
: to move back and forth again and again
For a meaningful relationship to thrive, there has to be reciprocity from both parties. Both people have to be committed in putting forth the effort. Appreciative of your mate’s efforts without action is not enough for sustaining a relationship. Expressing your appreciation by only words, provides some down time. But true appreciation is expressed through returning the same acts of kindness and consideration. If your mate is always considerate and checks up on you about how your day went, it should only be expected for you to reciprocate that same task…maybe you can initiate the check up for once. Your “Boo” took the day off, brought you soup and nursed you during your illness….when she or he is feeling ill, take time out of your day to return the favor. If your spouse came and was by your side to support your work-office function where you received an award, attending a concert of the band you were managing, make sure you are there for their promotion breakfast, book signing, or any other function that is special to them, despite whether it is or not on the same caliber. Your mate listens to your woes and peril, but your work schedule is too hectic to give the same ear, is not reciprocating. Nor is your mate tending to your sexual fantasies and relaxing you when your stressed, but you can’t find time just for cuddling. Or vice versa, your mate cuddles and kisses you endlessly, but you cringe in satisfying his needs..and it is only reserved for special occasions.
The key to a successful relationship is very easy..just reciprocate. While some tasks may not easy given life and career demands, acknowledging your intent and attempting to reciprocate the same appreciation and attention your mate gives as soon as you can…is putting forth the effort. Maybe you have to somehow include your significant other into your life and career flow. That business dinner, you might make it a requirement for everyone to bring spouses or extend the invitation to travel ventures where that person can explore on their own while you handle business matters. Or if that cannot be done, maybe adjusting your normal routine schedule, scaling back your time with friends to incorporate one-on-one time with your lady or gent.
If you are in a relationship and your efforts are not reciprocated over an extended period of time….excuses become redundant. It is time to walk away. Translation is that your mate does not value you or deems you that important in his life where he should reciprocate the efforts that you have made.
Over the weekend I had the opportunity to listen to Beyonce’s new fifth album. The entire music and video compilation is excellent. As a grown woman, I am able to identify with all of her songs. When listening and watching the video “Jealous”….I could not help to recollect on my own experiences with men and the raw emotion of jealousy. Continue reading I Am Jealous! I Am Human! Love Brings It When You Ain’t Acting Right!
Please read my contributing article as published on Joint Interest: Upload 2 The New Connected World Digital Magazine. Also sign up for weekly updates and look out for future contributing articles as well.
Photo Credit: www.usmagazine.com
When Does a Platonic Friendship with the Opposite Sex Threaten Your Relationship with Your Significant Other?
Last week US Weekly, reported that Will Smith allegedly cheated on Jada Pinkett Smith with his co-star Margot Robbie from their upcoming movie “Focus”. The facts were based on silly pictures that they took together at a photo booth on-set. However, the pictures showed both of them sharing skin and undergarments. Now glancing at the pictures, one could assume that their professional on-set relationship seemed it was becoming a bit too close for comfort.
While we know from media and limited interviews of the couple that Will and Jada have a pretty solid and trusting relationship. They both have demanding careers, their children also work extensively, so there are periods where the two are separated for a considerable amount of time. The married couple has had their series of cheating allegations with former co-stars , rumors of an open marriage and numerous speculations that the two are on the brinks of divorce. Through it all, they both have stuck together and have remained classy in their approach of either ignoring or addressing the media’s curiosity.
However, upon looking at those pictures with Will and Margot Robbie, I had to ask myself, would I be comfortable if my husband or “Boo” took pictures with a platonic friend intentionally sharing a considerable amount of skin? While initially, goose bumps started to rise on my skin and I began to shake my head no, while thinking “Hell No!”. I also had to think perspectively on my experiences and look at their situation separately. I guess it would depend, right? If it was me, these questions would run through my mind. Have I been introduced to this lady friend of his? And if so, have we developed a somewhat platonic relationship amongst ourselves? Also how long has this platonic friend been part of my significant other’s life? Also, how well do I know my man, and how solid is our relationship? Now I know in show business, when working on a movie, you spend endless hours together over a short time span. So through that time period, close friendships are developed. I get it. While I may not have a Hollywood lifestyle, I could say this is similar in corporate America. Many times you have projects, strict deadlines and are required to work long hours with co-workers. Shared take-out dinners and long hours past 8 o’clock, co-workers become silly. We goof off. We sometimes end the night off at a local bar and maybe there is someone bold and daring enough to participate in karaoke. Silly occurrences happen, friendships develop and bonds are created.
If your significant other has an open communication and shares his life experiences with you including his bouts with his female platonic friends and your relationship is solidly grounded, any pictures on social media or other outlet should not affect you. In this situation, you are likely to know the occurrence or at least backdrop setting of when the alleged cheat rumors took place.
Photo Credit: www.nydailynews.com
Thinking in my relationship experience, my significant others always had a few close platonic friendships. Some friendships were developed before I became involved with the person and others were developed afterwards through work or some other means. I am not going to say I always initially felt comfortable with these platonic friendships. But after open discussions on who this person was in his life and the type of mutual interest and care the two had for each other, I felt comforted. I remember, my ex-husband returning from a company retreat and there were pictures of him with other co-workers, that included females enjoying themselves at an after work function. Yes I had skepticism, but I could relate myself. As I have gone on plenty of company retreats in some of the most adulterated cities in America. My co-workers and I would indulge ourselves at many of the great restaurants and entertainment available, but our bond was kept on a platonic level. After open communication of his experiences with colleagues, I understood. In my opinion, open communication strengthens trust in a relationship.
Are you accepting of your significant other’s platonic friendships? If so, would you set boundaries around your significant other’s platonic friendships with the opposite sex? Would you question his or her sincerity towards you, if questionable but friendly photos were shared on social media at a function you were aware that he or she was attending? Would it matter if you knew that person before the photos were taken?