So here is the deal. You think you have finally met your match. All things that matter are in sync….except you have not yet been intimate with your mate. Perhaps the timing has not been right or you want to maintain your virtue until marriage or reach a certain stage in your relationship. I get it! Rightfully so, you should wait until you are ready and comfortable to be physical, develop a trusting bond and know where you stand. Continue reading Should You Test Drive Before Buying?
In light of all the talk of Bey’s Grammy Performance this weekend! Do You Have the Kryptonite?
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While watching “Being Mary Jane” this past Tuesday, the centralized topic on the episode was Mary Jane’s struggle with her addiction to men. Her brother who is a recovering cocaine addict, points out her addictive symptoms as she tries to quiet him on his recent discover of her own indiscretions. Pointedly, his knowledge that Mary Jane is having an affair with a married man. He points out her wrongdoing. Mary Jane defends her actions by stating her lover’s profession of his love for her. Her brother proceeds in stating she possesses the symptoms of addiction: self-denial, risk taking, secrecy and solitude, excess consumption, sacrificing personal well-being, and later on she demonstrates her withdrawal symptoms as she attempts to rectify her situation but weakens for that fix of male attention and affection. Her addiction to seek comfort from a man overrides her common sense.
There should be introspection by us, women and men alike that engage in continuing unhealthy relationships for the sake of attention and affection. While our vice may not be drugs or alcohol per se, but a desperation of intimacy with the opposite sex. Do you crave that attention and/or intimacy, where you lower your standards in what you normally would accept from a mate?
Mary Jane completed a questionnaire where the outcome of her answers categorized her as a 100% addict. Questions posed were centered around engaging in actions that are deemed unhealthy and her willingness to participate in similar occurrences in the future, knowing the outcome does not provide a happy ending but a damaged heart.
Addiction to attention in my opinion is a pattern. This person always tends to seek love from a partner that is emotionally unavailable or is belonging to someone else. This is despite their knowledge that the person they are dealing with does not possess the required qualities to foster a health relationship, yet they still keep returning to that person or continue to attract the same type of people. The unavailable individual in returns that seeks a good time preys on these addicts.
There is no wrong in desiring to be in an intimate relationship and not wanting to be single forever. Most people seek to obtain a lifelong partner in their life. Dating responsibly and not compromising your standards to attain intimacy is healthy. However, when meeting the opposite sex becomes an obsession; a gold star to happiness, where the person underscores their self-worth and lowers their standards of qualities that are desires from a mate, repetitively for a few hours of intimacy, is a problem.
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As humans, we experience disappointment and become unhappy. It is natural seeking solace through people and things that provide comfort. This could be alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, food, chocolate, exercise, sex, and affection from a family member, partner or stranger. We all have experienced various spouts of addictive behavior. Some have experienced mild, shorter-termed addictions that are not detrimental to their lives in contrast to others whose life goals have been compromised. Some addictions are positive outlets, such as exercise. Too much over-indulgence in any activity is habit-forming and could have repercussions. Many of us become aware of our pathway to self-destruction and nip it in the bud before it is too impactful on our lives. Some are unable to do so without seeking out help.
Addictive to attention is not necessarily a bad thing as long it is sought through healthy avenues. As humans we naturally seek approval and desire from the opposite sex. Consistently modifying your way of life to gain that rush of intimacy is counterproductive to your inner happiness and eventually leads to self-destruction.
Are You Addicted to Attention? Have You Compromised Your Standards and Goals, To Seek Attention From The Opposite Sex?
This is for all the women out there….who think they can be successful in establishing a “Sex-Buddy relationship with a gent. The scope of this post includes women who keep alive or seek sexual intimacy with their baby daddy’s, ex-husbands, ex-boyfriends, friends, pursuits and men who are just not ready for any exclusive monogamous relationship.
The Agreement and Understanding:
So here it goes… The gent is straight up and clear with his intentions and you decode his words accurately. You are aware of the restrictions, there are no pretenses given. You feel that you being the strong, independent woman you are, can handle and keep your emotions intact. “No Strings Attached” , “Let It Flow” ,”Whatever Happens Just Happens”. He clearly states that he is not looking for anything serious, his focus is his career, buying a house, enjoying life with friends, traveling or anything else but developing a relationship with you. Maybe the person is a good friend where there is like-minded attraction but a relationship is not in either of your focus. This could be a future prospect that is eager in developing a relationship, but maybe you are not interested at this phase in your life in getting too serious and locked down, or vice versa where the gent is all about enjoying his manhood and not ready to put exclusivity on his sexual curiosity to one woman. Or the person is your kids father where the relationship did not work, but the parenting relationship continues and you both are comfortably with each other intimately. (Now that is another blog topic…which has been requested from my fellow followers). Regardless of the situation, a budding monogamous intimate relationship is not listed as an option.
You agree with the terms of the arrangement. You have every intentions of maintaining a friendship within the defined parameters. You are okay of not desiring more or if you secretly do, you bury those needs. You think to yourself: Why should you be deprived from sexual intimacy because your focuses in life are not currently in sync?…(especially if you experienced or heard the loving is good). You term your arrangement as a “friendship with benefits”, he is your sex buddy, your sexual fix from your baby daddy….whatever. You view the situation as ideal due to a variety of reasons. It could just be a temporary fix until you find the right person you are looking for in your life. Maybe you are too busy with your career to date and foster a budding relationship with anyone right now. Or secretly you think that maybe the gent will realize what great of a friend you are and will profess his unconditional love for you, or his focus will shift from his career to a long-term partner, hey what better place to look then at you right? You are there the “ride or die” homie chick fulfilling his needs. Who knows…it just works for you at this moment.
The Oxytocin Effect
Oxytocin, the love hormone secreted by the posterior pituitary gland, plays an important role in sexual reproduction and intimacy. While the love hormone are more widely dispersed before and after childbirth positively impacting maternal bonding from the cervix and through nipple stimulation in women, it also impacts women during sexual interaction, where a monogamous pair bond is also formed. As a woman who nursed two children, I can definitely identify with the maternal bonding effect of this hormone in both aspects.
During sexual intimacy, the hormone is released in the female’s brain and she forms a monogamous pair bond with her partner. Over time after repeated sexual occurrences that bond grows. This is where the dilemma occurs. The woman’s developed emotions and feelings begin to exceed her practicality. The realism view is impaired. So why the woman’s initial intentions are to keep the sex act occurrences separate from her heart and maintain a platonic friendship, the sex and feelings begin to intertwine and she becomes attached romantically. Developed unconfined feelings are now expressed to her “Sex Buddy”. All of a sudden the gent is taken aback because the agreed upon “benefit arrangement”, is now backfiring. The situation is the exact opposite of what he signed up for. It becomes what he was initially avoiding in the first place. The woman is now professing her wants of a monogamy relationship beyond their established friendship, insecurities are shown, or jealousy appears. Or she herself becomes taken aback on how did her feelings get to this or that intimacy connection is developed, but there are some very important key aspects in her “Homie Lover Friend” that he lacks or characteristics she does not want in her future mate. Or she starts altering her focus from her career, hobbies and friends to wanting that monogamy connection feeling she attains through intimacy. This evolves when she knows deep down she is not ready to be the required woman a man would need in his life. That is not her focus, the reason she was okay with the “Homie Lover Friend” status to begin with.
Us women are not chemically built like men in many ways, including satisfying our sexual desires. We definitely put our best effort forward in trying to be and do everything that a man can conquer. However, let’s face it ladies, in this area we are not equals. We may become more immune to our own feelings overtime, so the third or fourth blow of coping with developed feelings improves. But, the love hormone effect bites us every time. Screw you Oxytocin, right? It never fails. No matter how much in denial you are. Be real with yourself….don’t settle. Hold out until you are ready and/or find an ideal partner that wants to be more than “friends with benefits”. Or do you, but have the tissue boxes ready when conflicting views of each other wants arise, because the Oxytocin dispersed all over your heart.
Now I am not saying the male counterpart is immune to the hormone and feelings are not developed by them through intimacy. Men can and at times do become attached. But men are able to separate that attachment better and more often than women. They become attached to the sexual act itself and tend not to blend the monogamy intimacy-like feelings of cuddling as easily as women. When they are ready to seek a monogamous relationship they do. If there are other priorities in life than an intimate relationship, they are not compromising or bending for that…just because of a sexual connection.
The “Friends with Benefits” concept can work, I am not slamming down the concept. However, more than likely, most of the time ends with unfulfilled wants and broken hearts. Given how we as women are more susceptible to the oxytocin hormone, many times us women are the sore losers.
- Oxytocin leads to monogamy: Hormone stimulates the brain reward system when viewing the partner (psypost.org)
- The love hormone: Tahir khawaja (justaishah.wordpress.com)
- Spritzing Men With Oxytocin Makes Them Monogamous (animalnewyork.com)
- Cuddle Hormone Oxytocin Plays Key Role in Ensuring Men are Monogamous (medindia.net)