I saw this article on ThoughtCatalog and thought it was spot-on with today’s dating culture. I have been meaning to write an article on this very topic. But while lengthy, I thought it was accurate and well thought out. Enjoy everyone!
Written By Guest Blogger: Kolonji Murray owner/founder of TaxAssurances, LLC
For many couples, handling money together is an important part of the relationship. Sometimes the effects on it are subtle while other times they’re more obvious. There are a couple of ways of approaching the right balance. The best way really depends on what works for the harmony of the relationship. Continue reading Romance and Finance!
It seems the latest buzz words when it comes to celebrity and reality relationships are “infidelity” and “open relationships”. The divorce rate is at an all-time high. Attaining a man and woman who can fulfill Continue reading Open Marriages- A Part Solution To The High Divorce Rate?
“Don’t Expect Much! As When You Do….Expect To Be Disappointed.
I ask myself should this be the new mantra in dating? Now I know all
Yesterday was the premiere opening of Tyler Perry’s “The Single Mom’s Club”. All month I have been eagerly anticipating in seeing this movie. Afterall the movie epitomizes my current life situation Continue reading Tyler Perry’s “The Single Mom’s Club” My Insights!
As a recently divorced mom, I am aware that there has been change in my children’s behavior post-divorce. As much as you try to shield them from all of the drama and chaos, it is impossible to mask them from all disagreement and keep everything consistent prior to Continue reading Sprouts, Divorce and Chaos! Is it Manageable?
Daily I walk around my small, picturesque town with a thought bubble over my head: “Person Going Through A Divorce.” When I look at other people, I automatically form thought bubbles over their heads. “Happy Couple With Stroller.” “Innocent Teenage Girl With Her Whole Life Ahead Of Her” . . . “Young Kids Kissing Publicly.” Then every so often I see one like me, one of the shambling gaunt women without makeup, looking older than she is: “Divorcing Woman Wondering How The Fuck This Happened.”
–Suzanne Finnamore, Split: A Memoir of Divorce
I often wonder when perusing through the streets alone with eyes smothered with running mascara after a frustrating day, or a face full of anxiety while holding each of my children’s hands rushing to their schools in the morning aiming to make it to work on time, that people also categorize me and label my “bubble” on my head as a “Divorced Woman On The Brink Of A Break-Down”. When deciding to end your marriage and starting over, you anticipate adversity, however you plan and believe it is manageable and there is a means to an end. But at times it seems you are always running making sure you cover all bases, meet deadlines, aim for happy smiles on your children’s faces, but something is always missed. Periods of being overwhelmed is an understatement. The mountain that your climbing keeps appearing taller and taller as each day goes by. You are aiming to re-build your life, find inner-happiness and create a fulfilling foundation that your children can call home. However, chaos is your life….every place you perch symbolizes confusion. Unorganized work desk of mounting deadlines, a bottom-less overflowing laundry basket that never is a 100% empty despite the numerous of loads you put in the wash, toys astray on the living room floor despite efforts of picking up all the doll house furniture, crayons, playing cards and toy-airplanes the other day, escalating bills which 10% are still addressed to your former spouse. There is not much time for self grooming let alone pampering, a day at the hair and nail salon…maybe next weekend there will be time. That balanced routine you aim at mastering all on your own seems an incredible task to accomplish.
However, these battle wounds and struggles are signs of strength and perseverance. I have not yet threw in the towel and say “Screw It”. Divorce is not easy. Piloting the co-parenting situation is exhausting as well as managing your career, maintaining your house and living independently. Yes, everything can be fucking overwhelming! But the journey in becoming a “Happily Me” is well worth the battle! So why the bubble over my head can be “Puzzled Divorced Woman Trying To Figure It All Out” it will eventually transcend to “Happily Divorcee Doing Her Thang”
Followers: If You Enjoyed Reading This Post, Please Share! We Are A Growing Community! Thank You For Reading!
Reflecting on my still brief but yet much eye-opening post divorced life….I reflect on all of my anxieties and fears that I endured since my decision on getting a divorce until now. There was first the fear and uncertainty on how I would be able to handle being a divorcee with two children….then it was the fear of following in my mother’s footsteps….divorced, never re-married, over-worked, once kids become grown life-post children is faced with living as a stroke and heart disease victim.
So as a fresh divorcee….I sub-merged myself in the dating scene. Perhaps I wanted to secure my prospects of finding husband number two before approaching the age of 40, while I still have some sex appeal and able to bear children. Boy, have I met some characters. Now reflecting, while I personally felt I was healed and over my past marriage once I filed the divorce papers, I didn’t really give myself a chance to re-discover and define myself post-marriage. I didn’t allow time to adjust to the divorcee life-style and living a fulfilling life sans a man. Don’t get me wrong, my life has always been fulfilled with children’s school and activities, vacations, spending time with friends, gym time and work….but I always had someone there to share, vent, or blame my life’s wonders and wrongs with and on someone. So, admittedly, upon meeting new prospects, I was eager to continue my life’s chapter and replacing old shoes with new ones, without missing a beat. So, I was always quick to open up and share the intricacies of my day at work without fully vetting out a lad. Don’t get me wrong, I ask all of the right questions…and they always provide the right answers. What are they looking for in a woman? What are their aspirations/ goals? Have they ever dated a person with children? Do they want children? Are they looking to getting to know someone on a serious level or just dating? Where they are in their career? And so on and on.
While I am still the upbeat, independent and feisty woman who just oozes firecracker personality without even trying. But those weekends when the children are away, have been the most difficult. Admittedly, I am a serial-monagamer. I always been in a relationship. Prior to marriage, I dated my college sweetheart for over six years and my highschool sweetheart for four years before that. So, experiencing life as a single woman has always been brief. I was always swept off my feet by some lad who was willing to be the Knight in Shining Armor committed to being a better boyfriend/ lover than my ex. So I do have my moments of loneliness as a divorcee. My weekends to myself are used to relax, catch up on loose ends and favorite television shows, and spend time with friends. But, initially I had a vision that my ever other free weekend would be filled up with some gent trying to capitalize my free time aiming for his spot to be potential husband number 2. Now after more than over 20 weekends sans the children, I can say that imagination has been left at just that. My weekends have been used primarily in re-visiting and getting to know me without doting on a husband. Very rare has it been occupied with some gent. Of course there is always schedule conflicts!
I have become adjusted and comfortable in my status of a single mother/divorcee. I am alright with spending my weekends solo or with friends. I find equally productive activities to do without the need to include a plus-one or requiring a plus-one. I have adjusted to being a sole-rider. I have accepted to being that super woman with or without her kids to all events.
While it would be awesome to eventually share my life with someone and possibly expand my family, it is not a requirement for me to live a happily fulfilling life. I will not settle for someone who does not value me for the amazingly, smart and charismatic woman who I am. I used to aspire to travel around the world and experience the world’s greatest treasures with someone. Now I aspire to do that on my own. You can’t wait for someone to co-star in your own movie…..the production budget and team may not always be there. So I say to me and to everyone: Embrace your own spotlight. Fulfill life’s experiences as a sole-rider until or never that other half joins you. When that gent or woman does, know that special person is deserving and will be lucky and appreciative to be by your side cherishing all of your expressions and emotions as you both use this world as your canvas.
Divorce is a serious decision. Just because a person is unhappy in their marriage, does not mean the only way to attain happiness is to exit the union. Seek out other remedies such as marriage counseling before filing the court papers.
January is a busy month, a new year, a new tax season. For many couples, this is an opportune time to file the divorce papers. You cherished the last year to claim “married” on your 1040 tax forms. For others, this is a delay of the inevitable postponed until after the holidays. Not wanting to disrupt the last bit of family time with your children. It also could be the downtime during the holiday season refreshed old wounds that were tucked away while being emotionally unavailable to each other as both spouses were engrossed in the daily work and family routine. Or the financial burden following the holidays that ramps up the underlying stresses already drowning your marriage. As a result, one or both partners has caved in. Whatever it is, the thoughts that have been pondering in your head are materializing to a final decision with an end resolution-DIVORCE!
It has been exactly a year since I filed for divorce. Admittedly, I was part of the January statistic. After months of pondering over my indecision, I took the leap and marched to the court with my papers in hand and submitted them to the court clerk. Now for those that are wondering, we did not go through marriage counseling. Nope, not at all. I think both spouses have to be willing to work on their marriage. Compromise is needed. I personally do not think a mediator would have done us any good..possibly earlier on in our marriage. Well you learn your lessons, and if opportunity happens again you approach the situation differently. In fact, we both had our strong opinions in a matter, neither of us were willing to budge. The only way our marriage would have been salvaged if I would have compromised, like I always do. Well actually I did, however this time I was not happy with that compromising decision and chose to exit.
However, for others this may not be the case and a remedy could exist. Marriage is not a rosy parade all of the time. Times become hard, I mean really difficult. Despite what you have planned in life prior to marriage to secure the necessary assets, career and healthy lifestyle to promote a happy union and family, life is unpredictable. Ask that to the many of families that faced the economic turmoil in 2008 through 2010. The nest egg that was established taking from them in a second, depreciated assets, dwindling of retirement funds they have to rebuild from scratch. The lifestyle once had now has to be modified and sacrifices made. The mother who had difficulty becoming impregnated and has to cope with raising a special needs child that requires her to be a full-time mother. However, the family’s financial plan did not incorporate one working spouse. The consultant husband who’s family’s livelihood is partly supported by him jet setting across 9 countries in a two to three-month span with a two-week break before the next travel assignment. This resulting in him leaving the raising of his children to the equally financially contributor working wife.
There isn’t an exact algorithm that derives a blissful marriage. I am amused when discussing this with my single co-ed friends as they proceed on a cautious trek to attain the ideal mate and secure the desired lifestyle before committing to a union. While there is nothing wrong with planning, just expect the impossible. Been there done that. But I also urge those that are married and are frustrated with their partner, to look within themselves. Ask yourself, how have you contributed to the strife in your marriage? Have you been the best wife or husband that you can be? Have you expressed empathy, consideration, love, compromised your selfish desires, assistance in required household tasks and family responsibilities, have you continued to promote passion, shower complements and continue to date your spouse? If you cannot say yes to all of these questions, how about taking a different approach and asking your partner to commit as well. Re-evaluate your decision to end your marriage after a few months of changing your approach to your union. Now, if your partner is too stubborn and not willing to do the work, I understand. Life is too short. Proceed to fill out the divorce papers and march to the court. Oh well, another statistic submitting the papers to the court in January. At least you can say you put your best effort into your union.