Tag Archives: marriage counseling

Scandal Arises In the Jay and Bey Reign- Their Influence on “Marriage” in Hip Hop!

Jay-Z and Beyonce are considered the “Power Couple” in the Hip Hop culture.  In a music video crazed, reality tv,  hyper-celebrity influenced society…there are very few examples especially in the minority community of a healthy monogamous marriage that exists between two people who are younger than the Baby Boomer generation. My peers and the younger community aspire for such a Continue reading Scandal Arises In the Jay and Bey Reign- Their Influence on “Marriage” in Hip Hop!

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“Divorce Court” Judge Lynn Toler states: “Marriage is not a state of being, it’s a process”

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The one and only “Divorce Court” Judge Lynn Toler stopped by the “Bethenny” show on Monday and offered some words of wisdom on the secret in staying married. From her experience with arbitration between bitter couples and lasting marriage of 25 years and counting to her husband Eric Mumford; she has definitely learned a thing or two.

Judge Toler cites:

“Marriage is not a state of being, it’s a process. I think as you age, as your priorities change, as peoples’ interests change, you have to actively engage in re-learning how to love each other all the time.” 

The famous Judge also shared tips on having fair arguments with your significant other:

“The first thing is timing. You never have an argument when you’re mad about it. Let that go. Wait until there’s a time where everyone’s not angry,” she said. “If you argue with an angry person all they hear is static and they defend and nothing gets resolved.”

The Divorce Court Judge also blogged back in Sept. 2012 how she listened to the complaints of one couple bound for divorce and it was the aid she needed to fix the problems in her marriage when her and Eric hit a snag in their marriage union.

“By year 19, my husband, Big E, and I were off the road and deep in the weeds. Barely speaking, when one of us walked in a room the other would walk out. “He was angry and unhappy and he saw me as the source of both. I, on the other hand, saw him as a jerk, a man who cared nothing for my needs. Of course, as I eventually learned at work, we were both wrong. It was, instead, those unexamined needs that had taken us off the road.”

The daily “Bethenny” show is  hosted by former reality star Bethenny Frankel. I am always impressed with the guests and topics she has on the show. Bethenny, a recent divorcee tends to model her show viewpoint from an independent, strong woman who also has needs for companionship.

My Insights!

While my marriage may not have last, I can definitely concur that Marriage is a process. Anyone can get married, staying married is the difficult part. There is way much more effort in tuning into each other needs, being considerate, compromising, and continuing to love one another through life’s cycles and obstacles. It takes the effort of both people, one person in the union cannot do everything. Well said Judge Lynn Toler!

Divorce Is Not Only Remedy- January Busy Month for Divorce Filings!

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Divorce is a serious decision. Just because a person is unhappy in their marriage, does not mean the only way to attain happiness is to exit the union.  Seek out other remedies such as marriage counseling before filing the court papers.

January is a busy month, a new year, a new tax season. For many couples, this is an opportune time to file the divorce papers. You cherished the last year to claim “married” on your  1040 tax forms. For others, this is a delay of the inevitable postponed until after the holidays. Not wanting to disrupt the last bit of  family time with your children. It also could be  the downtime during the holiday season refreshed old wounds that were tucked away while being emotionally unavailable to each other as both spouses were engrossed in the daily work and family routine. Or the financial burden following the holidays that ramps up the underlying stresses already drowning your marriage. As a result, one or both partners has caved in. Whatever it is, the thoughts that have been pondering in your head are materializing to a final decision with an end resolution-DIVORCE!

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It has been exactly a year since I filed for divorce. Admittedly, I was part of the January statistic. After months of pondering over my indecision, I took the leap and marched to the court with my papers in hand and submitted them to the court clerk. Now for those that are wondering, we did not go through marriage counseling. Nope, not at all. I think both spouses have to be willing to work on their marriage. Compromise is needed. I personally do not think a mediator would have done us any good..possibly earlier on in our marriage. Well you learn your lessons, and if opportunity happens again you approach the situation differently. In fact, we both had our strong opinions in a matter, neither of us were willing to budge. The only way our marriage would have been salvaged if I would have compromised, like I always do. Well actually I did, however this time I was not happy with that compromising decision and chose to exit.

However, for others this may not be the case and a remedy could exist. Marriage is not a rosy parade all of the time. Times become hard, I mean really difficult. Despite what you have planned in life prior to marriage to secure the necessary assets, career and healthy lifestyle to promote a happy union and family, life is unpredictable. Ask that to the many of families that faced the economic turmoil in 2008 through 2010. The nest egg that was established taking from them in a second,  depreciated assets, dwindling of retirement funds they have to rebuild from scratch. The lifestyle once had now has to be modified and sacrifices made.  The mother who had difficulty becoming impregnated and has to cope with raising a special needs child that requires her to be a full-time mother. However, the family’s financial plan did not incorporate one working spouse. The consultant husband who’s family’s livelihood is partly supported by him jet setting across 9 countries in a two to three-month span with a two-week break before the next travel assignment. This resulting in him leaving the raising of his children to the equally financially contributor working wife.

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There isn’t an exact algorithm that derives a blissful marriage. I am amused when discussing this with my single co-ed friends as they proceed on a cautious trek to attain the ideal mate and secure the desired lifestyle before committing to a union. While there is nothing wrong with planning, just expect the impossible. Been there done that. But I also urge those that are married and are frustrated with their partner, to look within themselves. Ask yourself, how have you contributed to the strife in your marriage? Have you been the best wife or husband that you can be? Have you expressed empathy, consideration, love, compromised your selfish desires, assistance in required household tasks and family responsibilities, have you continued to promote passion, shower complements and continue to date your spouse? If you cannot say yes to all of these questions, how about taking a different approach and asking your partner to commit as well. Re-evaluate your decision to end your marriage after a few months of changing your approach to your union. Now, if your partner is too stubborn and not willing to do the work, I understand. Life is too short. Proceed to fill out the divorce papers and march to the court. Oh well, another statistic submitting the papers to the court in January. At least you can say you put your best effort into your union.