Ok this really precedes the dating conflict #1 I posted about a week in a half ago….but will call it #2 anyway. I was sharing the story with my girlfriend recently, and thought I share. Continue reading Co-Parenting Dating Conflict #2
“Let Life Flow!” My new credo in life. Worry free of all aspects in life I cannot control and embrace the present moment! Not attempt to scribe the closing of a book, the final act to a play, the conclusion to a thesis….just polarize the now. Eliminate the categorization, definition and tag on me, my family, work, social and dating life. Just be fluid. Continue reading Let Life Flow!
During the intense period in determining to get a divorce from my ex -husband…..there was another separation that I had to consider. The removal of my wedding band from my left index finger. This decision triggered me to take a deep pause….matter-of-fact I had to sleep a few Continue reading My Separation From The “Ring”
Since entering the dating scene as a fresh divorcee….I have become perplexed with some of the men I have encountered. To be specific a certain demographic….the late 30’s to mid 40’s single metropolitan professional men. These gents at their root are wonderful individuals. These men are the backbone within their community, successful in Continue reading Damaged Goods…Ruined or Fixable?
Call me the “Adjuster”. My middle name should be “accomodate”. Heck, many of my girlfriends should change their middle name too. Us as women, that is what we do….”adjust”….when we are in a relationship or marriage. We adjust our lives, interests, schedules to accomodate that gent who is important to us.
I have considered myself one of the coolest girlfriends and wives out there. I will rock out to Dave Matthews, Jimmy Buffett and any garage band, groove with Prince and get my gangsta lean on with Snoop Dog. I love sporting events and can hold my own when the topic of discussion turns to Fantasy Football while sipping a nice cold one. I can put bait on my fishing rod. I chuckle at my colleagues male watercooler jokes….I get the alpha male humor. Not afraid to mess up my hair because of my motorcycle helmet, a swim in the ocean, a 10K run, a bike ride or cruising with the convertible top down. I get crazy with the kids and relish in the opportunity to re-live my childhood. I can and don’t mind “adjusting” to whomever my significant other’s interests are. I am open-minded and revel in new experiences…. my motto in life has always been Carpe Diem!
What also exists, are my core interests in life that include….my love for dance, theater, musicals, travel and romantic comedies. I recollect through my love life experiences….there has always been some reluctance from my other half to join me in my zests for life. Many times, in the past….I placed my wants and desires aside….supporting my other half’s interests. Sacrificing my time and adjusting my schedule to make sure that person was getting their “boo time” with me by being involved in their life pursuits. There were times that I would get so caught up….when the relationship ended….I would have to re-discover my independence, my interests and desires without that person in my life. I realized from my long-term post-college relationship….that you can support their hobbies and interests, but also do what makes you happy with or without them. That includes your time spent with your girlfriends.
It is often cited from my wedded and un-wedded male friends….”Tonight I am out with the boys” or its “Boys night out”. Men look forward to their male-bonding time. There is nothing that can pry them away from their appointment to huddle with the dudes and discuss like-minded interests. Many women have tried to find many distractors…but I will tell you the only thing that will make your man pause is if you are about to go into labor. Otherwise, kids birthday, your birthday, anniversary…that will be celebrated the following day. That is their way of “accomodating”. Humor aside…..I applaud my men in realizing that male bonding is an important part of their being and sanity to attain their balance. Their spouse or significant other doesn’t always have like-minded interests and sharing these interests with their boys is imperative. That is okay, matter-of-fact it is great. However, over-indulging in your male bonding time where your wife, significant other and family are neglected I do not applaud.
I aim to achieve the same bonding time with my women…however, in my experience it has not always been that easy. I remember through my marriage, it would be my turn to spend with my girls…as my then husband had his time out the night before. So I would reach out to my girlfriends to see if they have time to hang…..and many of them were in relationships (not yet married), “adjusting” to their man….I term it “working on the ring”. So their man was home….they were home. Nothing planned…. but was cherishing their “boo” time. I got it….and let them be. So while my girlfriends were “adjusting” what do I do with my free pass to enjoy myself? I learned to pursue some of my other interests, whether going to a seminar, taking a dance class, going to a play, or expanding my education. Anything that was fulfilling to me. The following day, my girlfriends would often ask what I did… and I would share and hear a 20 minute earful of how she wish she did more and yadayadayada. Matter-of-fact the only time my attached girlfriends would be available was only when they knew their man had something planned too.
To us women…we “adjust” and we should to a certain extent. But don’t loose sight for your zest in life. Maybe you will succeed in getting that “ring” or keeping it on your finger for now….but I believe a sustainable, healthy and happy marriage or relationship is built from two people who both have separately fulfilling lives of their own. When the two come together and “adjust” to each other, there is something new to discuss and appreciate.
Now divorced….. I have much more time on my hands to fulfill my zests in life. I understand that many of my girlfriends are in different stages in life…some have new family additions, some are “working on the ring”, some are just settling in marriage and some are just enjoying single-life like myself. Despite which stage you are in…..make it a priority to alot time to indulge in your interests and don’t just “adjust” for someone else. I enjoy my girl time and hobbies, where they are just as much of a priority as my fellow gents time is with the boys and watching the game. So while I still consider myself the “Adjuster” and you can easily insert “accomodate” in my John Hancock…. I am adjusting and accomodating for myself as well as the next potential mate. So girlfriends place me on your calendar so we can embrace our “girl time”!