Tag Archives: parenthood

First Dwayne Wade…Now Ludacris Fathering Lovechild During A Relationship Hiatus- My Insights

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Photo source: http://www.xxlmag.com

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Photo Source: http://www.eonlinenews.com

Okay there has been more than enough buzz since the media found out that basketball player Dwayne Wade fathered a child (now three-month old) with Aja Metoyer (alleged known Groupie- a woman who has persistent relationships with celebrities) during a break from his long-term intimate relationship with his new fiancee, actress Gabrielle Union. Now it turns out Ludacris also fathered a child while on a temporary hiatus from longtime girlfriend Eudoxie. Apparently, the child was born early December and is approximately one-month old.

My Insights

When two people decide to take a break from a relationship whether temporary or permanent….they are entitled to live their lives as a single woman or man. Meaning, in my opinion entitled and free to do as they please.  Two individuals wanting a break means they are not ready to pursue a relationship or move forward the already established relationship they have with each other. While on hiatus, the ex boyfriend or girlfriend may seek sexual and emotional satisfaction from someone else. This is not infidelity, vows have not been shared. A serious or not so serious connection can be established with another woman or man. While Dwayne Wade and Ludacris may need a lesson or two on safe sex practices, engaging in sexual intimacy while separated from their girlfriend/fiancée is not wrong. Sometimes engaged in other relationships while separate from your ex-boo allows you to appreciate the relationship and qualities you and your ex-boo shared and possesses.

In some cases two people drift back to each other rekindling their deep emotional bond as more mature adults. This could be after months of partying, focusing on career, or just getting all of the single’itis out of their system. Gabby and Dwayne…..discussed their break from each other and Dwayne’s mistake that led to a precious treasure.  She has accepted her man despite his flaws and the new addition to their future family. She is all good…and content with her bling bling. The same can be said for Eudoxie. As the two were seen together happy as they shared in the New Year together.

Hey, not everyone can have the sequentially desired mating lifestyle. Boy meets girl, date, get engaged, married then have offspring. Love is blind. Sometimes, there are kids from other baby mommies and daddies….including while you are on relationship break from your mate.

What Are Your Thoughts? Would You Rekindle A Relationship With An Ex Despite Him Fathering A Child With Another Woman or Having A Child With Another Man?

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The Seven-Year Itch

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Photo Source: http://www.people.com

The latest celebrity news is that actress Keri Russell and husband Shane Deary are separated after seven years of marriage. Famous celebrity divorces such as Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony and Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston also ended their union after seven years. Similarly, my ex-husband and I and other once married friends also ended their marriage after seven years. Where many of those friends who did end their seven-year marriage have since re-married. This separation after seven years of matrimony has been termed the Seven-Year Itch. According to the U.S. Census Bureau this is the time when a divorce is more likely to happen. There was a 1955 movie titled the Seven-Year Itch, where the husband left to pursue love interest character played by Marilyn Monroe. The theory according to Psychology Today is that many couples have successfully raised one or two children through the risky infancy years and realize they don’t want to be around each other anymore, or else they haven’t had children at all and decide it’s time to look for another potential mate. For instance in Brad Pitt’s case, didn’t he successfully have a full brood of children with Angelina Jolie, subsequent to his divorce with Jennifer Aniston?

In the late 1980s, anthropologist Helen Fisher gathered divorce data from 58 different human societies around the globe and discovered that when married couples divorce, they tend to do it around the fourth year of their marriage, typically after having had a single child. One interpretation of this discovery is that many couples that end up divorcing remain married at least the minimum amount of time necessary to successfully raise one child together. Fisher took this idea a step further, however, and speculated that humans might have a predisposition to be serial monogamists, which means that people are socially bonded to one partner at a time but don’t stick to the same partner their whole life; they go from one partner to another, in succession. According to Fisher, humans are likely to switch partners every four years, after having a child. In reality, there is no strong evidence that humans are serial monogamists. Many couples are congratulated once they pass the five-year mark of marriage, as the likelihood of divorce is minimized. But there is an uptick in divorces and separations around the seven-year mark. Likely in marriages with more than one child or no children, when the couple is still in the child-bearing stage or both financially independent.

Now add a second child, for instance in Keri Russell’s case, there is the commitment to stay together because now there is a new addition. Or let’s say your children are only two or three years apart, the same commitment is to stay for the third child.  Now as the brood increases, the likelihood of separation diminishes. So while, there are key differences in interests and there is the desire to move on, you tend to stay to raise the child together.  However, for those that have had more than one child within the first five years of marriage and there is considerable differences in your wants, you reflect on the experiences of your child-rearing successes on your first child. You realize that with the second and third, maybe this can be just as successful but yet each other can pursue their own interests if materially different from your mate. The pure intentions on pressing on with your marriage for the benefit of the new addition become masked with your own self desires and unhappiness. The romance is gone or maybe each other were not as in love as they thought they were in the beginning. The two grow apart and possibly realize that staying to raise the children does not make sense anymore. Co-parenting with separate lives is becoming increasingly popular and there is more evidence that the method is successful. Yes, most of us want a significant other to grow old with, but what if you realize that once the children are grown, you may not want to spend your later years with your spouse? So should you wait like many of our parents did, get a divorce when the children are grown. Or raise your success rate in possibly meeting someone anew when your youthful appearances and energy is still thriving.

In my case, I could say my marriage was broken by year four. I knew there were key differences in our desires in life and needs from each other, but for my son’s sake and subsequent pregnancy of my daughter, we did our best to make it work. Maybe it was a key difference in our desires for a larger family and/or certain needs from each other that remained unfulfilled. Whatever it was, we both knew after seven years of marriage, those adjustments were not going to happen. So we both or maybe one of us just had that itch we could not continue as status quo any longer. Despite the sake of our kids, after they were grown we knew our desires in life were heading in two opposite directions. Our steps to achieve a blissful life were contradictory. Do you stay constrained for the benefit of the kids or find a way to achieve our own bliss yet be great parents to our children?

Marriage has its ebbs and flows, but sometimes the qualities you want in a mate change as you mature. Maybe you seek stability versus the rush of volatility you initially loved. Maybe you need attention versus solidarity. Your aggressive personality in controlling how your life flows conflicts with your mate’s passive nature of waiting for life to happen. Your love for family traditions and exposing your children to all of the colorful developmental programs is in opposition of your mate’s style of letting the children discover life on its own without any supplemental initiatives. Or maybe he or she loathes playing and attending children’s events while you thrive and relish in the experiences. Maybe you seek a best friend in your partner that includes you in his life’s pursuits and interests and not someone who segregated his life from you and see you only as the mother and caregiver of the family. Whatever it is, after seven year’s that initial irritation becomes an uncontrollable itch that the only way to remedy the itch is to permanently remove the rash as opposed to keep patching it up with bandages, rubbing alcohol and ointment. As both parties are not willing to amend and cure the cause of irritation. Alas. the Seven-Year Itch equals marriage dissolution.

Babyface Converses with Deion Sanders Re: Dating Ex-Wife and Meeting Kids- My Insights! Your Thoughts?

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Photo source: http://www.thejasminebrand.com

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/25/babyface-deion-sanders-tracey-edmonds_n_4326701.html?ncid=txtlnkushpmg00000038&ir=Black+Voices

I happen to read this article on the Huffington Post and watched the video clip which will be shown on Oprah Winfrey‘s television network OWN. The article discusses the man-to-man conversation between Babyface and Deion Sanders prior to meeting Babyface’s children. I thought this scenario depicted a positive, mature example of two men, the divorced father, Babyface and the love interest Deion Sanders of the divorced mother Tracey Edmonds getting together to discuss Deion’s interest in Tracey and to seek acceptance prior to being introduced to their children. I admired how the article depicted Babyface’s genuine love and wanting the best interest for Tracey, despite differences that resulted in the dissolution of their marriage. It also showcased Deion as being considerate of Babyface by seeking approval prior to meeting Tracey’s children.

My Insights

Now, as a Divorcee dating, I separate my dating life from my children. However, I have often wondered when is the best time to introduce your children to your dating partner. According to Steve Harvey’s book “Think Like A Man, Act Like A Woman,” Steve suggests to not wait too long. He states how you do not want to invest so much of your emotions and time with someone then six months later, realize that your love interest does not  like your children or the extended family is a bit of a handful to his liking.  His reasoning, is that you just wasted six months with someone who is not compatible with your family. A casual meeting at a public place such as a local play area like Chuck E. Cheese have been suggested from a variety of sources when initially introducing your children to your new beau. The person is just happenstance there, and the children are not aware that the gent is someone you are actively dating, as it could be just a co-worker. Thus, allowing the initial engagement with the children to be light. However, you don’t want a revolving door of men meeting your children. That is not healthy.

Deion’s approach in asking acceptance from the father prior to meeting the kids is something new to be considered. Why not wait until you are vested in the relationship for a while. An initial meeting with the love interest eases the co-parenting relationship you have with your ex. Maybe this approach will alleviate any potential tension between the two men in the future. If I become serious with someone new, I hope that my ex-husband would be as mature as Babyface when meeting the new significant person in my life. I also would like the woman in my ex’s life to be just as considerate to me, the mother. While I always imagined if I did become serious in dating someone, that a mature dialogue would eventually occur, I never thought of the idea that it could happen prior to meeting the children.

The scenario provides an example that two people can be divorced yet be amicable towards each other. There are no hidden agendas, but genuine care for each other’s well-being and happiness. Bitterness, animosity, and jealousy are non-existent. I applaud and admire Babyface and Deion for their mature approach. Given that Deion has a family of his own, he could emphasize with Babyface, as I am sure he is protective of his own children and would not want just anyone being brought into their lives.

Thoughts?

What are your thoughts? If divorced, would you attempt to foster an amicable relationship with your ex? Would you want someone introducing themselves to you first, prior to meeting your offspring?

Co-Parenting Frustration #2

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Why is it that the mother and father may have similar occupations, similar status in their careers, similar pay…or the mother may favor slightly in all of those variables….that when it comes time for having to adjust your work schedules for the kids….the woman mostly always has to accomodate? Continue reading Co-Parenting Frustration #2

Co-Parenting Dating Conflict #2

Ok this really precedes the dating conflict #1 I posted about a week in a half ago….but will call it #2 anyway. I was sharing the story with my girlfriend recently, and thought I share. Continue reading Co-Parenting Dating Conflict #2

Let Life Flow!

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“Let Life Flow!” My new credo in life. Worry free of all aspects in life I cannot control and embrace the present moment! Not attempt to scribe the closing of a book, the final act to a play, the conclusion to a thesis….just polarize the now. Eliminate the categorization, definition and tag on me, my family, work, social and dating life. Just be fluid. Continue reading Let Life Flow!

Should A Guy Be Accepting of Not Being #1 Priority When Dating a Single Mom?

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Yesterday evening I met with a really good “man friend” after work. We were discussing my blog and how some topics I have posted are relevant to men as well. We began discussing some of his obstacles that he has faced in the dating world. Where one, being his internal hurdle of whether he can accept that he will never be number one priority when dating a single mother. This topic peaked my interest…..as I am now considered a “single mom” so I definitely fit that category. The concern was that when dating a “single mom” often times dates have had to be re-scheduled or circumvented around the “single mom” children’s schedules. This included getaway trips and the like. Basically, when dating a “single mom” there really isn’t a “honeymoon” period per se. Hmmm…this was interesting.

Reflecting on my personal dating life and myself as a mother, I could see how some men that I have dated could be stand-offish and have fell back…..I will admit I am a bit on the extreme side when it comes to my sprouts. My kids are in probably every type of extra-curricular activity there is. You also have to account for all of the birthday parties, playdates and kids holiday festivities that I attend. Some men do look at me a bit overwhelmingly when I start to elloborate on my kids schedules.

However, I also view dating as an important aspect of my life as well. I do want to meet someone special that I can eventually share those aspects of my life with. So I personally feel I do allocate time for dating. I am very transparent to the men that I meet on my availability. I have a sitter that picks up my children so I will say at least two or three days after work I am available for an afterwork dinner, after adjusting for my time with the girls, evening gym classes and my son’s games. I also have my free every other weekends. A man can plan away for a getaway trip all they want (well….in due course)…on those weekends. If known well in advance I can always adjust my availability for the day or weekends. Of course I may not be able to act spontaneous and spend time with someone within an hours notice. Although, I will say my job and fortunately my sitter are pretty flexible….but what woman with kids or no kids wants to be asked out on a date or accomodate a man that they are “just getting to know” in such a short time span anyway? C’mon us women have to plan and prepare for these dates. Seriously!?!

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The dilemma that I have also faced is that while I have all of this availability….men are hesitant to schedule a date in advance or they are too busy “indulging in their own swag” –refer to “Damaged Goods Ruined or Fixable” blog post. Then these gents become frustrated with me because my free weekend is now planned to spend with the girls or maybe I decided to check in on my son’s basketball clinic.  It is my free weekend….while I do like to utilize it to lounge around at times with nothing planned….I am maximizing my “me” time and the things I enjoy in life….so plans that do not involve dating are made….especially by Friday the day my weekend starts. These men are not “capitalizing” on my availability to get to know me. So essentially you are missing out on the “honeymoon” period….or I am not a priority to you. So why make that gent a priority on my schedule.

I believe after awhile, once you begin to realize you really do like the gent you are dating and are interested in becoming more serious…then eventually the gent should meet the kids and get to know that aspect of your life. (That is another topic)

Will my kids always be number one? Of course. Why would a man want to come before a mother’s kids. A man should expect the “single mom” to make getting to know you as one of her priorities, provided you are doing the same. But a gent should not expect the “single mom” or any woman in that case for him to be her only priority.

When reflecting on my marriage, my kids father accepted that he was not the only person who was number one in my life once my son and daughter were born, but that he will be sharing the title with my children…which means at many times taking a back seat. And likewise I realized the same for me.  Raising our children were our top priority, but we also had to carve out some time for us to rekindle our relationship.

When and if a gent and I make it to the next chapter past the dating phase….that person will become a greater priority to me. I hope the gent would be understanding of my situation and know that while he is cherished and loved he will never attain the sole title of being number one in my life.

Every man is not equipped to date a “single mom”. I get it….no pressure here and no hard feelings. There are many aspects to consider than just courting a lady in the long run….but initially dating a “single mom” should just be that. I don’t believe there is much difference than dating a woman with no kids that has a fulfilling life.

Harvest Celebrations

Many friends ask me how I am able to keep busy and my kids active yet also wear all the many other hats I wear. For instance today was a jam-packed day for the kids. For some reason it always is busy on my weekends with them. Purposely so. It enlightens me to see my children’s expressions when we are out and about in Manhattan exploring all the options the city has to offer. The weekend before Halloween there were all types of festivities going on in the city, coupled with birthday parties and the routine dance class and basketball clinics today. Needless to say an exhausting yet satisfying day. Thanks to mommypoppins.comI was well informed of what type of harvest and Halloween festivities the city was offering. Thought I share a fee pictures of my Saturday with you all.

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