Tag Archives: relationships
Co-Parenting Dating Conflict #2
Ok this really precedes the dating conflict #1 I posted about a week in a half ago….but will call it #2 anyway. I was sharing the story with my girlfriend recently, and thought I share. Continue reading Co-Parenting Dating Conflict #2
As Published on Joint Interest Digital Magazine: Kanye Kim vs Jay-Z Beyonce…The Next Power Couple Goes To….
Please read my contributing article as published on Joint Interest: Upload 2 The New Connected World Digital Magazine. Also sign up for weekly updates and look out for future contributing articles as well.
Photo: CHRISTOPHER POLK/GETTY IMAGES FOR BET
According to RadarOnline… Kanye believes that Kim and himself will be the biggest power couple on the planet and will take the reign away from Jay-Z and Beyonce.
Hmmm….According to media sources, Kanye has began to direct Kim on how to present herself in the spotlight and social platforms. It has been cited that Kanye urged Kim to dye her hair blonde to make her into an international success. Beyonce has always been careful with her perception in the media and is selective on how she is publicized to the world. So now Kanye is directing Kim to follow suit.
Personally, I do not understand why this would be headline news…but everything lately that comes from Kanye has become a national discussion. So this too is newsworthy. When thinking about this, I had to consider what is a power couple? Is there anyone else in the public spotlight that I would consider a power couple? Actually, there are a few in the African America community…from the hollywood power couple Will and Jada to Barack and Michelle. I wonder if Kanye aims to outshine them as well?
A power couple to me is someone that is doing a bang-up job in solidifying their brand as a couple. It represents two people who are genuine in their love, cherish each other, their children and support each other’s endeavors. The wife and husband aim to improve the other person’s aura and as one, they reflect a positive example to everyone. To strive to be the most powerful couple on the planet I don’t think that is in the definition. I really don’t think true power couples strive for that title and are unaware they exemplify that to others. They become aware as they lead their lives in a positive manner as that is who they are at the core…and it is recognized by others. I wonder if Kanye is aware of that definition?
Jay-Z and Beyonce embody what I believe to be a power couple. Both individuals were successful on their own right, came together and over time nurtured their relationship and each other. By them being right with their love of each other at the core, they manifested this successful example and empire that has shined positively on the hip hop culture. However, this was not created overnight and was a gradual process. It was not forced.
I don’t doubt Kanye’s love for Kim is not real or her love for him. I do think over time they can establish themselves as a “power couple.” But to aspire to be that couple over someone else makes the intent of the word “power” in “power couple” convoluted. The mix of greed, jealousy and outside approval can poison the purity of developing a sustaining relationship. Thus, diverge the couple into a spiral of mess.
Well let the battle begin! Why maybe Kanye and Kim are successful in creating headlines for now…when the media’s interest ceases…will the love that they have for each other terminate too?
What do you think? Does Kanye and Kim have what it takes to be the next power couple? Will they replace Jay-Z and Bey as the new power couple in hip hop?
Caught Feelings Huh? Now He Acting Ignorant!
Approaching the dating scene with an open-mind and open-heart is suggested by many relationship specialists in getting back out there. Do not be too picky or close-minded, be approachable, allow love to let in. Yes, that seems easy, right? Just flash my pearly whites and enjoy the moment. “Let Life Flow!” Pure bliss will happen. Continue reading Caught Feelings Huh? Now He Acting Ignorant!
Those You Let In Your Life…
Bullied By The In-Laws? Stay Out of It!
When going through marital problems and a divorce with your spouse….is it fair for the In-Laws to put their two-cents into your affair? If so, should they take sides and threaten you from your children or attempt to make your life more miserable than what it is?
Two Different Scenarios:
(Disclaimer: these are fictitious and are loosely based on experiences shared by others)
Wife is upset that some of the bills are falling behind, she becomes frustrated, maybe she has been the main person holding a steady job while the husband has been spending frivously. She and her husband have conversed about this many times. She doesn’t know whom else to turn to but her father. The wife’s father becomes upset with this situation….he loves her daughter and gives her a loan.
Should the father-in-law approach the husband at all? If so, should it be a man-to-man talk or provide threats ?
Husband finds out his wife has been having an extramarital affair. The two have argued and discussed the situation. He still is injured by this knowledge and shares what he learned with his family. His family is well-to-do and has political and social influence. The family begins to threaten the wife for full custody in another state and sends other spiteful messages. Meanwhile, they begins organizing family trips with the children sans the mother.
Should the husband just have kept this issue between the two of them and deal with their marriage dissolvement without family input? Could he have spared the disgrace of his wife’s name to his family for the sake of their kids? If poor judgment was made by the husband…should the family still maintain an arms length distance from their marital affairs?
My Personal Experience:
When reflecting on my marriage….we had our issues. Some of those issues were so hurtful that as a woman I did need to lean on someone. I remember sharing my decision to get a divorce with my father. He did not nudge me in either direction, just listened and said I will come up with the right answer and do what makes me happy and put your children’s wellbeing first. That’s it period. No calling my ex, having a man-to-man talk or providing any threats. In fact, he pretty much stayed out of my decision to marry, my parenting choices and when visiting did his best to stay out of my husband’s way in handling the household….despite his differing views. When I did have trouble with finances…they were not discussed. He had a good sense when we were living on the hog or when we were just treading water. When he did have a sense, a modest check addressed to me would be in the mail and when I spoke with him, he would just give me personal financing advice to protect myself, not family finance advice nor did he have a talk with my husband.
My husband’s family were not dumbfounded and knew I was not always happy. His father from time to time would ask me if I was alright and if everything was going okay, during our family visits. Afterall, there were various adjustments throughout my marriage which would test any marital couple. I would quickly smile and say we are adjusting and the situation is improving. Matter-of-fact I remember they had to get on him when they saw me moping around the house because again…there were no anniversary plans. His sister began explaining the importance of incorporating a monthly date night to foster a healthy relationship. But that was the extent….. they never knew too much. I actually felt distressed that they knew that much…because I couldn’t maintain a poker face for a couple of days.
My husband has endured pain by me and I have by him….but he never shared his frustrations about me to his family. He kept them out of our affairs. In-fact when his mother and father were probing why we were getting a divorce….his answer was vague that “I wasn’t happy”. Now mind you…..that was not the excuse I wanted him to give. I huffed and puffed as I felt that answer did not show me in the best light. Why couldn’t he tell them that we just couldn’t reconcile our differences? Just say that….Gees! So my in-laws; the marital couple that have been married for over 40 years, see me as the woman that just wanted to deliberately end my marriage and family because I am not happy at the moment….which in their translation because they did not know much else….Oh he missed their wedding anniversary last year….so I guess she wants a divorce. Um No!!!!! Not it!! But I also bit my tongue….because no matter what the true reason is….I aim to foster an amicable relationship with the in-laws for my children’s sake. So no matter what it was….my fault, his fault would it really provide a positive outcome and healthy environment for my kids if we had a debate about it over our last supper?
While maybe my in-laws did disapprove of my choice….who knows? I really haven’t had that conversation. They never reached out to me and provided threats and their opinion on how I should work at the marriage. I know their number one priority is their son and their grandchildren. So once they knew the divorce was imminent…they just advised their son on the financial aspect of divorce to make sure he was aware to look out for himself as well as the kids. Make sure I wasn’t emptying his wallet. They also assisted him in getting his new place together.
So at present, I have dialogue with the in-laws, well via email and text. I share with them upcoming events and pictures of their grandchildren. No issues….well as of yet.
Now have I shared my marriage frustrations with my girlfriends? Yes! That is what us women do. There has been lessons learned there….but that is another blog topic.
My Viewpoint Going Forward:
When you are married, all discussions and issues should be between the husband and wife. Period. Only exception is a marriage counselor or your Pastor. Getting family involved is like “War of the Roses” multiplied by 2. There is no need to air your marital dirty laundry to your family. In-laws become vested in your spouse as well. So they not only become hurt because their son or daughter is distraught. They are also wounded because their daughter-in-law or son-in-law that they grew to love and become part of the family has indirectly turned their back on them. Not all in-laws are poised so some backlash is to be expected. However, any form of bullying that makes the grief of ending your marriage even harder, is not acceptable.
Let Life Flow!
“Let Life Flow!” My new credo in life. Worry free of all aspects in life I cannot control and embrace the present moment! Not attempt to scribe the closing of a book, the final act to a play, the conclusion to a thesis….just polarize the now. Eliminate the categorization, definition and tag on me, my family, work, social and dating life. Just be fluid. Continue reading Let Life Flow!
Should A Guy Be Accepting of Not Being #1 Priority When Dating a Single Mom?
Yesterday evening I met with a really good “man friend” after work. We were discussing my blog and how some topics I have posted are relevant to men as well. We began discussing some of his obstacles that he has faced in the dating world. Where one, being his internal hurdle of whether he can accept that he will never be number one priority when dating a single mother. This topic peaked my interest…..as I am now considered a “single mom” so I definitely fit that category. The concern was that when dating a “single mom” often times dates have had to be re-scheduled or circumvented around the “single mom” children’s schedules. This included getaway trips and the like. Basically, when dating a “single mom” there really isn’t a “honeymoon” period per se. Hmmm…this was interesting.
Reflecting on my personal dating life and myself as a mother, I could see how some men that I have dated could be stand-offish and have fell back…..I will admit I am a bit on the extreme side when it comes to my sprouts. My kids are in probably every type of extra-curricular activity there is. You also have to account for all of the birthday parties, playdates and kids holiday festivities that I attend. Some men do look at me a bit overwhelmingly when I start to elloborate on my kids schedules.
However, I also view dating as an important aspect of my life as well. I do want to meet someone special that I can eventually share those aspects of my life with. So I personally feel I do allocate time for dating. I am very transparent to the men that I meet on my availability. I have a sitter that picks up my children so I will say at least two or three days after work I am available for an afterwork dinner, after adjusting for my time with the girls, evening gym classes and my son’s games. I also have my free every other weekends. A man can plan away for a getaway trip all they want (well….in due course)…on those weekends. If known well in advance I can always adjust my availability for the day or weekends. Of course I may not be able to act spontaneous and spend time with someone within an hours notice. Although, I will say my job and fortunately my sitter are pretty flexible….but what woman with kids or no kids wants to be asked out on a date or accomodate a man that they are “just getting to know” in such a short time span anyway? C’mon us women have to plan and prepare for these dates. Seriously!?!
The dilemma that I have also faced is that while I have all of this availability….men are hesitant to schedule a date in advance or they are too busy “indulging in their own swag” –refer to “Damaged Goods Ruined or Fixable” blog post. Then these gents become frustrated with me because my free weekend is now planned to spend with the girls or maybe I decided to check in on my son’s basketball clinic. It is my free weekend….while I do like to utilize it to lounge around at times with nothing planned….I am maximizing my “me” time and the things I enjoy in life….so plans that do not involve dating are made….especially by Friday the day my weekend starts. These men are not “capitalizing” on my availability to get to know me. So essentially you are missing out on the “honeymoon” period….or I am not a priority to you. So why make that gent a priority on my schedule.
I believe after awhile, once you begin to realize you really do like the gent you are dating and are interested in becoming more serious…then eventually the gent should meet the kids and get to know that aspect of your life. (That is another topic)
Will my kids always be number one? Of course. Why would a man want to come before a mother’s kids. A man should expect the “single mom” to make getting to know you as one of her priorities, provided you are doing the same. But a gent should not expect the “single mom” or any woman in that case for him to be her only priority.
When reflecting on my marriage, my kids father accepted that he was not the only person who was number one in my life once my son and daughter were born, but that he will be sharing the title with my children…which means at many times taking a back seat. And likewise I realized the same for me. Raising our children were our top priority, but we also had to carve out some time for us to rekindle our relationship.
When and if a gent and I make it to the next chapter past the dating phase….that person will become a greater priority to me. I hope the gent would be understanding of my situation and know that while he is cherished and loved he will never attain the sole title of being number one in my life.
Every man is not equipped to date a “single mom”. I get it….no pressure here and no hard feelings. There are many aspects to consider than just courting a lady in the long run….but initially dating a “single mom” should just be that. I don’t believe there is much difference than dating a woman with no kids that has a fulfilling life.
Lamar Odom Agrees To Anger Management, But Is Khloe Giving Up On Their Marriage? (DETAILS)
This marriage issue in my opinion is a tough one. I admire Khloe for her poise and strength as she deals with her marriage and her husband’s issues.
The Gym: My Constant Friend
The gym has and continues to be my constant as I go through the ebbs and flows of my new life path. Now I have always been sporadically physically active throughout my adulthood but of course there are life obstacles that stray you away. Childbirth, work deadlines, kids activities, social commitments and the emotions of dealing with marriage, family and friends. But I will say the summer of 2012 was when I decided to make exercise a constant influence in my life. Last summer was a very emotional period….as I was contemplating my decision regarding my marriage. I needed an escape and outlet to channel my depression, grief, anxiety, confusion and lets just say control the inner “crazy chick” that started to amuse the visuals in my head of my children’s father becoming a full-size punching bag. So I needed to run from reality and clear my head. It began by taking AM three-mile runs along the Jersey City waterfront. Then I incorporated bootcamp, kickboxing, sculpting, dancing and spinning classes. The gym provided me with a sense of community. When you see others dedicated to attending class you aim to follow suit. I found a great instructor that was tough-spirited and played all of my favorite beats. A gym class that simulates a club experience? What??? This is a hidden secret. These classes aided me in channeling my negative energy into building my self esteem. I started to notice the change in my physical appearance, others began to take notice. And let me tell you a woman on the brinks of divorce….compliments on how together you look is the best positive reinforcement a woman could want. However, don’t get too caught up in the hype….you have to maintain your effort and also decipher between the compliments and just the dating “game”.
When I start my work day in downtown Manhattan and am bogged down with the occasional blues….maybe because I am frustrated on how tough it is to be a single mom and how their father could be of better help, bothered that my son went to school angry because I made him tardy again, or my post-divorce dating life sucks…and it looks like my new founded single-hood will be a constant state in my life, or forgot that I had a 9am meeting at work and was completely unprepared to provide a de-brief on my existing projects….My lunch date with New York Health and Raquet Club helps me clear out all of those frustrations. Regardless if I am prepared or not for my gym date….by the end…. I feel refreshed and positive-spirited that I conquered the task at hand. The perspiration from my gym class sheds the toxins of my blues away.
When I reflect on how I was able to manage through my decision in getting a divorce, going through the paperwork and court, the back and forth of negotiating and my current journey as a single mom and divorcee….the gym has been my relentless friend. The gym has been there to pull me up and build my confidence to where it is at present. The gym is my constant. The gym is my unconditional friend.