In a sex-craze society, woman and men equate their power over the opposite sex by the delivery and presentation of their powerful goodies. They love to mention how their mate is sprung, whipped, orenchanted by their love-making and God’s given assets.
Please read my contributing article as published on Joint Interest: Upload 2 The New Connected World Digital Magazine. Also sign up for weekly updates and look out for future contributing articles as well. This is the condensed version than the original published yesterday!
Can a Meaningful Relationship Thrive from a One-Night Stand?
Photo Source: madamenoire.com
You and your girlfriends are at a club. You separate yourself from your crew and begin to strut all your goodness to the bar. A gent approaches you and ask your vitals and whereabout in New York City Metro area you reside. Both of you are physically attracted to each other. He offers to buy you that Ciroc Amaretto on the rocks you were about to splurge on yourself. You graciously accept. The DJ begins to turn up the music. That handsome gent that has his eyes fixated on you takes your hand and walks you by the DJ. Your hips begin to swerve in your tight mini-dress as he checks you out with your hand-held in his. He maintains an arm’s-length distance. However, eyes are pierced on how your hips move well to the tunes.
You become more comfortable, your buttox and hips now begin to caress his pants as they percolate to the beat. Not standing out as other couples are also twerking. His hands become comfortable in caressing your silhouette. His soothing hands palming your rear gives you the chills. You are intertwined in a grind fest on the dance floor.
He mentions how he drove to the venue and offers to take you home. The dancing resumes its hot and heavy pace. You are re-thinking that offer. You acknowledge that there is definitely great sexual chemistry. You don’t want the moment to cease. You agree for him to take you home. In the car, he can’t keep his hands off of you. Kisses are exchanged. You agree to go to his place. He assures you that he digs your entire vibe. Upon arriving at his place, you seal the deal.
Photo source: blackafricanwomen.com
The next morning, you share breakfast before he drops you off at home.
Photo Source: www.dirtyandthirty.com
Prior to leaving, you ask if you both will remain in contact. He says Yes. You begin the walk of shame as he drops you off to your place.
Photo Source: madamenoire.com
You begin to fret and wonder if you blew it because you gave up the goods too quickly. You hope the guy realizes that is not normal. You were into him and couldn’t resist. Could something meaningful come from this?
It is all about perception. If the guy is a true gentleman and perceived you as a classy woman….he probably still does. He does not romp around with anyone himself. He likely felt the same chemistry as you. Plus if the loving was great, the man will likely return. As a woman, you know your own judgment of character. There was something that made him the exception to the rule. Thus a budding relationship from your one night freak-fest is possible.
However, what really did you learn of each other beyond sex, that make the two of you compatible as a couple? If you are in the market in looking for a husband, you or him could not possibly know that your romping partner possesses all of the qualities that you aspire in your future mate. So while subsequent dates may happen, the relationship maybe short-lived. Exclusivity status not guaranteed. He may be dating another chick. Or you may just get caught up in the sex and realize that this guy is not husband material.
Jury Still Out!
Waiting three dates or abiding to the Steve Harvey’s 90-day rule may result in the same outcome. In dating, nothing is guaranteed. Two people are getting to know each other. There is a risk that a relationship may not thrive from any first encounter. Think of the numbers you exchange when out. How many result in follow-up calls, dates and relationships? While sexual intimacy may definitely get you the subsequent date it may not lead to exclusivity. So preserve your goodies until you know the guy is looking for something serious. In contrast, there are many lasting relationships that thrived from a one-night stand. It is all about the person’s present focus in life. If you could learn that over a few cocktails and dances, then press on.
What are your thoughts? Have you been able to have a sustainable relationship after a one-night romp?
This is for all the women out there….who think they can be successful in establishing a “Sex-Buddy relationship with a gent. The scope of this post includes women who keep alive or seek sexual intimacy with their baby daddy’s, ex-husbands, ex-boyfriends, friends, pursuits and men who are just not ready for any exclusive monogamous relationship.
The Agreement and Understanding:
So here it goes… The gent is straight up and clear with his intentions and you decode his words accurately. You are aware of the restrictions, there are no pretenses given. You feel that you being the strong, independent woman you are, can handle and keep your emotions intact. “No Strings Attached” , “Let It Flow” ,”Whatever Happens Just Happens”. He clearly states that he is not looking for anything serious, his focus is his career, buying a house, enjoying life with friends, traveling or anything else but developing a relationship with you. Maybe the person is a good friend where there is like-minded attraction but a relationship is not in either of your focus. This could be a future prospect that is eager in developing a relationship, but maybe you are not interested at this phase in your life in getting too serious and locked down, or vice versa where the gent is all about enjoying his manhood and not ready to put exclusivity on his sexual curiosity to one woman. Or the person is your kids father where the relationship did not work, but the parenting relationship continues and you both are comfortably with each other intimately. (Now that is another blog topic…which has been requested from my fellow followers). Regardless of the situation, a budding monogamous intimate relationship is not listed as an option.
You agree with the terms of the arrangement. You have every intentions of maintaining a friendship within the defined parameters. You are okay of not desiring more or if you secretly do, you bury those needs. You think to yourself: Why should you be deprived from sexual intimacy because your focuses in life are not currently in sync?…(especially if you experienced or heard the loving is good). You term your arrangement as a “friendship with benefits”, he is your sex buddy, your sexual fix from your baby daddy….whatever. You view the situation as ideal due to a variety of reasons. It could just be a temporary fix until you find the right person you are looking for in your life. Maybe you are too busy with your career to date and foster a budding relationship with anyone right now. Or secretly you think that maybe the gent will realize what great of a friend you are and will profess his unconditional love for you, or his focus will shift from his career to a long-term partner, hey what better place to look then at you right? You are there the “ride or die” homie chick fulfilling his needs. Who knows…it just works for you at this moment.
The Oxytocin Effect
Oxytocin, the love hormone secreted by the posterior pituitary gland, plays an important role in sexual reproduction and intimacy. While the love hormone are more widely dispersed before and after childbirth positively impacting maternal bonding from the cervix and through nipple stimulation in women, it also impacts women during sexual interaction, where a monogamous pair bond is also formed. As a woman who nursed two children, I can definitely identify with the maternal bonding effect of this hormone in both aspects.
During sexual intimacy, the hormone is released in the female’s brain and she forms a monogamous pair bond with her partner. Over time after repeated sexual occurrences that bond grows. This is where the dilemma occurs. The woman’s developed emotions and feelings begin to exceed her practicality. The realism view is impaired. So why the woman’s initial intentions are to keep the sex act occurrences separate from her heart and maintain a platonic friendship, the sex and feelings begin to intertwine and she becomes attached romantically. Developed unconfined feelings are now expressed to her “Sex Buddy”. All of a sudden the gent is taken aback because the agreed upon “benefit arrangement”, is now backfiring. The situation is the exact opposite of what he signed up for. It becomes what he was initially avoiding in the first place. The woman is now professing her wants of a monogamy relationship beyond their established friendship, insecurities are shown, or jealousy appears. Or she herself becomes taken aback on how did her feelings get to this or that intimacy connection is developed, but there are some very important key aspects in her “Homie Lover Friend” that he lacks or characteristics she does not want in her future mate. Or she starts altering her focus from her career, hobbies and friends to wanting that monogamy connection feeling she attains through intimacy. This evolves when she knows deep down she is not ready to be the required woman a man would need in his life. That is not her focus, the reason she was okay with the “Homie Lover Friend” status to begin with.
Us women are not chemically built like men in many ways, including satisfying our sexual desires. We definitely put our best effort forward in trying to be and do everything that a man can conquer. However, let’s face it ladies, in this area we are not equals. We may become more immune to our own feelings overtime, so the third or fourth blow of coping with developed feelings improves. But, the love hormone effect bites us every time. Screw you Oxytocin, right? It never fails. No matter how much in denial you are. Be real with yourself….don’t settle. Hold out until you are ready and/or find an ideal partner that wants to be more than “friends with benefits”. Or do you, but have the tissue boxes ready when conflicting views of each other wants arise, because the Oxytocin dispersed all over your heart.
Now I am not saying the male counterpart is immune to the hormone and feelings are not developed by them through intimacy. Men can and at times do become attached. But men are able to separate that attachment better and more often than women. They become attached to the sexual act itself and tend not to blend the monogamy intimacy-like feelings of cuddling as easily as women. When they are ready to seek a monogamous relationship they do. If there are other priorities in life than an intimate relationship, they are not compromising or bending for that…just because of a sexual connection.
The “Friends with Benefits” concept can work, I am not slamming down the concept. However, more than likely, most of the time ends with unfulfilled wants and broken hearts. Given how we as women are more susceptible to the oxytocin hormone, many times us women are the sore losers.
- Oxytocin leads to monogamy: Hormone stimulates the brain reward system when viewing the partner (psypost.org)
- The love hormone: Tahir khawaja (justaishah.wordpress.com)
- Spritzing Men With Oxytocin Makes Them Monogamous (animalnewyork.com)
- Cuddle Hormone Oxytocin Plays Key Role in Ensuring Men are Monogamous (medindia.net)