Tag Archives: understanding

Open Marriages- A Part Solution To The High Divorce Rate?

It seems the latest buzz words when it comes to celebrity and reality relationships are “infidelity” and “open relationships”. The divorce rate is at an all-time high. Attaining a man and woman who can fulfill Continue reading Open Marriages- A Part Solution To The High Divorce Rate?

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Kevin Hart’s Ex Speaks On Current State with Kevin and His Relationship With Eniko: “It Is Easy To Be Someone’s Rib When You’re A Millionaire”-My Insights!

 

Torrei Hart, comedienne, upcoming “Atlanta Exes star and ex-wife to Kevin Hart held an exclusive interview with Sister 2 Sister‘s Magazine Jamie Foster Brown, about life post her relationship with Kevin Hart. She discusses the challenges she faced emotionally, her healing time and her thoughts on Kevin Hart’s approach in dealing with the post-split : Continue reading Kevin Hart’s Ex Speaks On Current State with Kevin and His Relationship With Eniko: “It Is Easy To Be Someone’s Rib When You’re A Millionaire”-My Insights!

“Ride or Die” Chick! A Divorcee Perspective

The increasingly pervasive phrase which origined from hip hop culture is now the gold standard of what a gent expects from a lady. “Ride or Die” generally means having your man’s support through

Continue reading “Ride or Die” Chick! A Divorcee Perspective

Do You Just Mirror A Prospect’s Actions Or Also Initiate?

We as women are told, not to put forth any efforts beyond what our male prospects extend.  Let the man lead and initiate. There is an article by Evan Marc Katz that informs women to just “Mirror” the guy’s actions. This results in women avoiding dealing with a guy that has commitment phobia or just doesn’t want to commit with you. Continue reading Do You Just Mirror A Prospect’s Actions Or Also Initiate?

Sprouts, Divorce and Chaos! Is it Manageable?

As a recently divorced mom, I am aware that there has been change in my children’s behavior post-divorce. As much as you try to shield them from all of the drama and chaos, it is impossible to mask them from all disagreement and keep everything consistent prior to Continue reading Sprouts, Divorce and Chaos! Is it Manageable?

The Do’s and Don’ts of A Thriving Relationship! A Divorcee Perspective!

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When a relationship is genuine, real and solid, there is a sense of security and ease that your bond with your mate is unbreakable and has the foundation to continue thriving. There are certain do’s and don’ts that foster a solid relationship and a thriving marriage. Starting with the “don’ts”, the absence of behavioral factors then the ‘do’s”  the presence of attributes that sustain a healthy intimate relationship:

YOU DON’T…

1. Fear it.

You are not a commitment-phobe. If you are, gotta work it out before your desires of a promising committed relationship become almost reality.

2. Hide anything too substantial from each other unless it is  a surprise that will eventually come to light.

Yeah…that includes everything but the kitchen sink: exes, cheating, debt, STDs, chronic illness, felonies, your desire for marriage and/or children, fantasies of living in Bora Bora, fears, professional failures and successes,  your inner-freak desires and any questions on your sexual orientation. The truth always surfaces, so if you can’t open up to your mate about all of these things, he or she is not for you.

3. Snoop.

If you share everything and there is nothing hidden from each other, then why are you stalking? I know good question. If you feel the need to go through your significant other’s email, phone, social media accounts and friends accounts means you don’t trust the person you are with. Maybe they haven’t given you a reason to, and it is time to bail. Also snooping is violating his or her trust in you. If you felt there was a valid reason, own up to the person and tell them upfront what you did. Two wrongs don’t make a right.  But if you have to snoop, the relationship has no trust, and is probably doomed.

4. Keep your relationship under wraps.

A serious red flag. If your not willing to  introduce your love interest to your friends and family, that means the person is really not that important to you and you probably don’t have any long-term plans with this person.

If you have a great catch, you  are excited to introduce that person to everyone else that is important in your life, random people, acquaintances, and colleagues.

5. Think you’re better than your mate.

If you think your mate is inferior to you– morally, intellectually, socially, financially or professionally — you’re never going to respect that person as much as you hope to be respected. It is said the best relationships thrive from believing that you actually convinced a person that is more exceptional than you to love you.

6. Be a “Hater” on your mate’s successes.

Jealousy is potent. Not being genuinely supportive and happy of your mate’s success is due to your own insecurities. Healthy competition with your mate, motivating  and building up each other is great. But be-littling, and always trying to be better than your partner instead ofshowering your mate with complements on his achievements, is not healthy for a viable relationship.

7. Substance abuse and behavioral issues trump your union.

No further explanation needed.

8. Challenge each other on personal issues in front of other people.

Keep the dirty laundry at home behind closed doors

9. Expect more than companionship and friendship from your relationship: Looking for an upgrade!

Don’t look for your significant other to make you into a person you desire. This includes supporting you financially, resolving your emotional issues, up-grading your social status, increasing your social network, provide you with a family your missing. If you are looking for someone to validate you or provide you with things that you are not comfortable living without and hope to attain from your mate, question your genuity.

10. Pull them away from friends and become “Ghost” to yours.

While you are an awesome mate, you can’t be everything. Friends also provide fulfillment and an outlet to be yourself. Plus, two people all up under each other all the time, become tired of each other. Plus, in the event your relationship expires, your friends will be there with the Kleenex. Don’t alienate yourself from friends.

11. Lose yourself.

While it is tempting to be totally engulf in your relationship, don’t lose sight on what made you. If you used to volunteer, exercise, socialize and network, still keep doing that. Maybe it has to be modified, but don’t lose sight of your passions, hobbies and goals in life. This is what made you the wonderful person your mate fell in love with. Don’t give up your passions for anyone, they may not be there for the long haul.

12. Have a secret plan B.

If you’re where you need to be, the concern of your mate leaving you behind do not enter your brain.

13. Have much drama.

Your routine has been settled. The pet peeves of each other you learned to accept and live with them.

YOU DO…

14. Put your heart on the line.

If you’re not risking having your heart broken, you’re not doing it right.

15. Respect the people your mate is closest to.

Despite your personal feelings, you respect the connection your mate has with their friends and families.

16. Be their number one cheerleader.

You both should inspire each other to be their best.

17. Humble yourself.

Accept that you are not perfect. You make mistakes, you have annoying ways about you. Maybe you are not the best communicator, lover, or listener. Humble yourself and aim to improve your imperfect ways.

18. Discuss, try and repeat….sex.

Converse on what works and doesn’t in the bedroom. Make sure you know the fundamentals on how to please your mate and likewise. Keep trying til you get it right.

19. Talk about all of your opinions.

Discuss your political, religious and ethical views on life. Should be on the same page or accepting of each other’s differences.

20. Fight.

Arguing provides a better understanding of each other. A healthy argument builds and does not tear your bond.

21. Have silent time

Nothing wrong with sitting next to each other without stimulating conversation.

22. Have confidence when your mate is away.

When your mate is away experiencing the world, trust that he will return and respect your bond with each other while apart. Have trust.

23. Maintain your physique.

Aids your confidence if you are satisfied with your appearance. Your mate will appreciate it too.

24. Divide, conquer and compromise.

Delegate your life’s tasks according to each of your strengths. One of you is better at being organized, outgoing, creative, money manager, listener and etc.   The outcome will be in each other’s favor. Compromise on desires and wants..including hobbies, sexual fantasies and etc.

25. Observe.

Notice your mate’s quirks, what makes them laugh, and what boils their temper. It is all about gaining a better understanding and learning your mate.

26. Make time.

To build and maintain a foundation, taking time to share with each other is key.

27. Do something romantice from time to time

Put a smile on your mate’s face by a romantic gesture. Send flowers or surprise your mate with tickets to his or her favorite team.

28. Just know.

Know your mate is uniquely designed for you. If that person is not already your spouse, “put a ring on it” or make him your “Prince Charming”.

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How Is Your Dating Text Game?

woman-texting

The dating scene has revolutionized since my pre-married days. Texting was in the primary stage in the mid -2000s. It had not yet replaced the traditional phone conversation. Nowadays re-entering the dating scene now divorced, texting is the fore-front of all dating connection.Text-messaging is the main form of communication with family, friends, flirting with the opposite sex and courting a prospective lifelong partner. Continue reading How Is Your Dating Text Game?

What Is A Soul Mate?

shutterstock_soul mates

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so out of control, that you have to transform your life…”

Elizabeth Gilbert

soulmates

Photo Source: marriedblackme.dicami.com

My Insights!

All I seek in a mate is someone that brings out my best, shows me my wrongs and builds me into being a better me. This quote sums it all. No addendum needed.

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“Divorce Court” Judge Lynn Toler states: “Marriage is not a state of being, it’s a process”

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The one and only “Divorce Court” Judge Lynn Toler stopped by the “Bethenny” show on Monday and offered some words of wisdom on the secret in staying married. From her experience with arbitration between bitter couples and lasting marriage of 25 years and counting to her husband Eric Mumford; she has definitely learned a thing or two.

Judge Toler cites:

“Marriage is not a state of being, it’s a process. I think as you age, as your priorities change, as peoples’ interests change, you have to actively engage in re-learning how to love each other all the time.” 

The famous Judge also shared tips on having fair arguments with your significant other:

“The first thing is timing. You never have an argument when you’re mad about it. Let that go. Wait until there’s a time where everyone’s not angry,” she said. “If you argue with an angry person all they hear is static and they defend and nothing gets resolved.”

The Divorce Court Judge also blogged back in Sept. 2012 how she listened to the complaints of one couple bound for divorce and it was the aid she needed to fix the problems in her marriage when her and Eric hit a snag in their marriage union.

“By year 19, my husband, Big E, and I were off the road and deep in the weeds. Barely speaking, when one of us walked in a room the other would walk out. “He was angry and unhappy and he saw me as the source of both. I, on the other hand, saw him as a jerk, a man who cared nothing for my needs. Of course, as I eventually learned at work, we were both wrong. It was, instead, those unexamined needs that had taken us off the road.”

The daily “Bethenny” show is  hosted by former reality star Bethenny Frankel. I am always impressed with the guests and topics she has on the show. Bethenny, a recent divorcee tends to model her show viewpoint from an independent, strong woman who also has needs for companionship.

My Insights!

While my marriage may not have last, I can definitely concur that Marriage is a process. Anyone can get married, staying married is the difficult part. There is way much more effort in tuning into each other needs, being considerate, compromising, and continuing to love one another through life’s cycles and obstacles. It takes the effort of both people, one person in the union cannot do everything. Well said Judge Lynn Toler!