Tag Archives: failure

10 Signs You Are MADLY, Crazily Obsessing Over Him (And How To Stop)

Great post on YourTango.com For those fellow lurkers of past love interests:
You probably are, if you clicked this piece.

“Imagination is more important than knowledge,” said Albert Einstein.

But when you’re getting over someone, imagination has a way of becoming knowledge, as in what you imagine is often the entire breadth of what you know about them. It’s hard to say goodbye, especially when you thought you knew someone so well and your relationship seemed to mean so much.  Continue reading 10 Signs You Are MADLY, Crazily Obsessing Over Him (And How To Stop)

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10 Signs It Might Be Time For Divorce!

Thought I share this article from Huffington Post! Enjoy!

Knowing when to divorce can be difficult, and it’s a decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly. So how do you know if you should proceed? How can you be sure that this time is really it? That this time there’s no turning back? Continue reading 10 Signs It Might Be Time For Divorce!

10 things I wish I’d known before getting divorced

This morning I read this forthright article posted on NBC Today in the Health section which I found from HuffPostDivorce. A divorce mediator tells of her 10 things she was not prepared for in her own divorce which resonates not only with me but other divorcees. Continue reading 10 things I wish I’d known before getting divorced

I’m Sorry, But You’re Just Not The Man I Hoped You Would Become When We Got Married

I wanted to share this article from The Onion:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/im-sorry-but-youre-just-not-the-man-i-hoped-you-wo,37061/

This article resonated with me as this is a persistent issue in unhappy marriages. The idealism of what you envision of your prospective husband and prospective wife, and how your spouse does not meet your expectations. This is a note from a wife who has lost hope and realize that her husband will never own up to the man she had hoped. Enjoy! Continue reading I’m Sorry, But You’re Just Not The Man I Hoped You Would Become When We Got Married

The Freshly Divorced Phase- My One Year Recap! Independence, Dating, Laughter, Sadness, and Confidence.

As the one-year anniversary approaches to the Judge’s final consent to officially end my seven-year plus marriage….I can’t help to reflect on what a whirlwind year it has been. My temperament and experiences varied from exhilarating to at times feeling depressed. Taking a step back and studying my behavior from last summer until now… I can break out this past year in different behavioral patterns. The  phase of healing from the love and union of my marriage was predominately experienced from my divorce decision to the end of the filing process.  The progression in the past year can be broken into 4 distinct phases- Embracing Independence, Desperation in Not Being a Perpetual Single Divorcee, Lonely and Reclusive Period, and Embracing Reality and Loving Me Phase.

Independent-Woman-Miss-A-Fei Continue reading The Freshly Divorced Phase- My One Year Recap! Independence, Dating, Laughter, Sadness, and Confidence.

Why Extramarital Affairs Happen -Top 5 Reasons!

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I decided to research a variety of sources on the drivers that lead to infidelity. By this, I mean cyber, physical and emotional affairs. I personally do not believe, an affair is limited to the sexual act in itself.  If you sought extended amount of emotional support elsewhere beyond your same-sex friends and family but did not engage in sexual activity outside of marriage, you indeed had an extramarital affair. Therefore, an affair with or without sex is in the same territory, in my opinion. Most of the reasons cited through various sources were repetitive. The origination of extra-marital affairs resonated to my own real world experiences through the lenses of  my personal encounters and discussions with family and friends alike. The most frequent reasons most cheaters stray, men and women alike are because of these resolvable marital issues:

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1. Besides living under one roof- not much else is shared: According to research and statistics; couples who lead separate social lives are much more likely to cheat than couples who spend more time enjoying common friends and interests. If there is no commonality between the husband and wife, maybe you need to question why you got married in the first place.

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2. Feeling misunderstood or under-appreciated: Basically, if your mate is complaining and is always criticizing (Refer to: Taming of the Shrew blog) and it is not being addressed….that person is going to eventually seek comfort elsewhere. Tend to your relationship NOW, because there is work to be done.

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3. Roommates sans the sex: If you are holding out and not connecting with your mate physically or providing that emotional fulfillment that stems from sexual intimacy, well expect your partner not to remain resilient for too long. Your partner may begin to look outside of the relationship for physical or emotional fulfillment that derives from intimacy.

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4. Our lives are changing or in transition: Now this happens. (Refer to: Divorce Top 10 Reasons blog). Children, retirement, a mid-life crisis, a new job, loss of parents all occur in most people’s lives. These major life changes are also a catalyst for cheating….and also divorce. Commonalities between two people are not shared. Communication is important before, during and after transitions happen, make sure everyone is on board with the decision for change or can emotionally handle unexpected changes. Refer to: The Linkage Between Trust and Communication blog).

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5. Reward Thyself Mentality: Sometimes your partner feels they have been grinding, handling the bills, taking care of the house, children and everything else under the kitchen sink. Yet they feel unappreciated and again needs are not met (See #3 and #2), difference is they feel under appreciated not only by their mate but from everyone else too. They feel “sacrifice” is their middle name. They are always putting other needs before their own: family, work and friends.  Instead of addressing this frustration with their partner to at least rally one cheerleader in their corner or are unable to do so because of unparalleled communication lines; they may reach out for gratification elsewhere to satisfy some unmet desires.  “Reward thyself…..I deserve it!

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I agree with the Top 5 Reasons. Sometimes it is a combination of these reasons that lead to reaching out for emotional comfort and intimacy from someone else. Now this list does not apply to the “Chronic Cheaters” who have always been that way prior to marriage with no intentions on changing. The “Chronic Cheaters” I categorize as the people who should never get married as they are so into their selfish ways by  tending to their own quick sex-gratification needs regardless of the other person’s feelings. This list applies to the people who have reached out and engaged in an extra-marital affair as a result of seeking some support and/or finding some commonality that was not achieved through their marriage union.

What Are Your Thoughts? Have You Experience or Participated In An Extramarital Affair Because of Any of These Reasons? Do You Think It Is More Complicated or Simpler Than That?

Better or Worse: Khloe Kardashian Files Divorce from Lamar Today!- My Insights

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Photo Source: US Weekly

Well it is official! Khloe Kardashian has filed for divorce noting irreconcilable differences from her husband since 2009 Lamar Odom. This follows months of separation after alleged accusations of Lamar Odom’s drug use.

My Insights!

I give it to Khloe, she has always been down for her husband since day one. She has been his biggest cheerleader and his place for comfort since vows were exchanged. She has not once said anything negative to the media about her husband since Lamar’s alleged drug use was made public, subsequent DUI and absence from the NBA for the 2013/2014 season. From watching the latest season of Keeping Up With The Kardashian’s when she knew Lamar was high calling her and family members all hours of the night because of his paranoia, she masked the chaos from her family. She has been the rock in her relationship and supported her man through his ups and downs, battles with depression, and struggles becoming acclimated to new professional basketball teams.

While marriage says for “Better or Worse”, once your mate is at an ultimate low and surpasses the support and help you can provide, it is up to himself and the assistance of you to encourage him to seek outside professional help. If that is not being done and your mate does not have the desire or strength to want to change his situation, how can he be the  husband that you need in your life? Substance abuse is a serious matter and not seriously seeking help is detrimental. And understandably, for Khloe that was a deal breaker. I concur, when a bad habit or way of living drains your mate and has the same effect on you, it is time to end that relationship. It is best to walk away and let that person heal on his own. If he really loves you he will eventually understand how serious his lifestyle was a heartbreak for you. If your mate rehabilitates and is in a much better place in life, then you can reconsider a relationship. Sometimes real love is knowing when to let someone go. Staying at times, is enabling and accepting your mate at his or her current unhealthy state. Hitting rock bottom at times for some people is the only way to return to sanity. Go Khloe! I wish you much happiness and love! You are a strong and awesome woman. Press On!

What are your thoughts? Do you Agree with Khloe’s Decision to Divorce? Do You Think She Approached Her Marriage Situation to the Public in a Classy Manner?

Some Events You Cannot Control, Just Control Who You Become!

“You May Not Control All The Events That Happen To You, But You Can Decide Not To Be Reduced By Them”

Maya Angelou

Continue reading Some Events You Cannot Control, Just Control Who You Become!

As Published On Joint Interest Digital Magazine: Will And Jada: Is Their Marriage In Trouble? Who Is Margot Robbie?

Please read my contributing article as published on Joint Interest: Upload 2 The New Connected World Digital Magazine. Also sign up for weekly updates and look out for future contributing articles as well.

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Photo Credit: www.usmagazine.com

When Does a Platonic Friendship with the Opposite Sex Threaten Your Relationship with Your Significant Other?

Last week US Weekly, reported that Will Smith allegedly cheated on Jada Pinkett Smith with his co-star Margot Robbie from their upcoming movie “Focus”. The facts were based on silly pictures that they took together at a photo booth on-set. However, the pictures showed both of them sharing skin and undergarments. Now glancing at the pictures, one could assume that their professional on-set relationship seemed it was becoming a bit too close for comfort.

While we know from media and limited interviews of the couple that Will and Jada have a pretty solid and trusting relationship. They both have demanding careers, their children also work extensively, so there are periods where the two are separated for a considerable amount of time. The married couple has had their series of cheating allegations with former co-stars , rumors of an open marriage and numerous speculations that the two are on the brinks of divorce. Through it all, they both have stuck together and have remained classy in their approach of either ignoring or addressing the media’s curiosity.

However, upon looking at those pictures with Will and Margot Robbie,  I had to ask myself, would I be comfortable if my husband or “Boo” took pictures with a platonic friend intentionally sharing a considerable amount of skin? While initially, goose bumps started to rise on my skin and I began to shake my head no, while thinking “Hell No!”.  I also had to think perspectively on my experiences and look at their situation separately. I guess it would depend, right? If it was me, these questions would run through my mind. Have I been introduced to this lady friend of his? And if so, have we developed a somewhat platonic relationship amongst ourselves? Also how long has this platonic friend been part of my significant other’s life? Also, how well do I know my man, and how solid is our relationship? Now I know in show business, when working on a movie, you spend endless hours together over a short time span. So through that time period, close friendships are developed. I get it. While I may not have a Hollywood lifestyle, I could say this is similar in corporate America. Many times you have projects, strict deadlines and are required to work long hours with co-workers. Shared take-out dinners and long hours past 8 o’clock, co-workers become silly. We goof off. We sometimes end the night off at a local bar and maybe there is someone bold and daring enough to participate in karaoke. Silly occurrences happen, friendships develop and bonds are created.

If your significant other has an open communication and shares his life experiences with you including his bouts with his female platonic friends and your relationship is solidly grounded, any pictures on social media or other outlet should not affect you. In this situation, you are likely to know the occurrence or at least backdrop setting of when the alleged cheat rumors took place.

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Photo Credit: www.nydailynews.com

Thinking in my relationship experience, my significant others always had a few close platonic friendships. Some friendships were developed before I became involved with the person and others were developed afterwards through work or some other means. I am not going to say I always initially felt comfortable with these platonic friendships. But after open discussions on who this person was in his life and the type of mutual interest and care the two had for each other, I felt comforted. I remember, my ex-husband returning from a company retreat and there were pictures of him with other co-workers, that included females enjoying themselves at an after work function. Yes I had skepticism, but I could relate myself. As I have gone on plenty of company retreats in some of the most adulterated cities in America. My  co-workers and I would indulge ourselves at many of the great restaurants and entertainment available, but our bond was kept on a platonic level.  After open communication of his experiences with colleagues, I understood. In my opinion, open communication strengthens trust in a relationship.

Are you accepting of your significant other’s platonic friendships? If so, would you set boundaries around your significant other’s platonic friendships with the opposite sex? Would you question his or her sincerity towards you, if questionable but friendly photos were shared on social media at a function you were aware that he or she was attending? Would it matter if you knew that person before the photos were taken?

Reality vs. Fantasy: Dating Life As A Divorcee Contrast to Celebrity Life

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I must admit I was hoodwinked. I followed the celebrity fairy tales of successful second-chance relationships following a tumultuous divorce. I was fixated to the tabloids when Reese Witherspoon re-married Jim Toth. She had a second-change and had two children from her previous marriage with Ryan Philippe. Wow! It is possible. She was able to quickly find love again, re-marry and expand her brood, as she now has a third child. Demi Moore was able to snag a much younger Ashton Kutcher with much older kids. The true kicker was that Demi, Ashton, kids and ex-hubby Bruce Willis had the whole co-parenting thing down pack and were pictured vacationing together. Hmmm….. that is my ideal life. No egos, just maximizing family time for the kids sake. While the two are no longer together, each of them have moved on to other love interests. Impressive. Another success story was Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith. Jada accepted his son from his previous marriage and was able to manage an amicable relationship with Will’s ex-wife and accept his eldest son as one of her own. Jennifer Lopez, with twins also found a younger gent in which she seems happy with following her divorce from Mark Anthony.

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There are all of these examples in the media of divorced couples quickly rebounding and finding their happily ever after..whether it lasted or was short-lived, these stories provided me with inspiration. I can move on from my marriage, enter the dating arena and there will be a man who will just be so intrigued with all of my goodness….relationship status, kids aside, it would not make a difference. The gent would just love me, sweep me off my feet and be accepting of my family. The term “baggage” would not cross his mind.

After all, when  married and catching up with my “single” girlfriends….when we went out, it seemed my wedding ring was just a magnet for men. Prior to marriage, I always was in some kind of a relationship. So I also thought it would be easy. I never really had a problem meeting someone special. Still well below 40, I am bound to be remarried before I hit that milestone, right? Yeah, okay!

In contrast, now single….it has not been as easy as I initially thought. I do not have any problem meeting great guys. I am not huddled in my bedroom loathing why I am not meeting anyone. I am out at social events, work-related functions, exploring New York City, doing what I love. I have encounters with men. I meet smart, attractive, ambitious, independent, easygoing gentlemen. The gents I meet mutually feel the same about me. I don’t know who I am fooling! Well it is all about the appearance, right? However, one caveat, most of the men I meet are single with no attachments or their children primarily live with their kids mother.

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My experiences dating now divorced is that after establishing a connection with a great guy, there is dialogue through phone conversations, texts, social media, and a handful of meaningful dates. A genuine like between the two of us begins to develop. We are compatible in every way….yet we live in two different worlds. My motherly attributes intensifies the attraction they have for me….I become a stencil for what they would want for the mother of their future children. Despite how great of time we have when together, there is this barrier between us. My lifestyle away from these gents I meet are my children. Another factor, is that my children’s father is active in their lives…so yes there is occasional Baby Daddy drama that occurs. These are my situations that the men I meet are not yet ready or willing to make part of their situation.

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While my relationships with these gents I meet may not even develop to that stage where it should be a huge factor….this is a consideration that arises once the right questions are asked. Some gent’s initial excitement of meeting me wanes before we get to the first date, others are open to dating a divorcee…as the men’s short-term lenses of physical attractiveness do not factor the long-term considerations of seriously dating a divorcee at all.  But when the gent with the short-term peripheral view begins to develop genuine feelings, he gets a breath of reality that our lifestyles are too different. We live in two different worlds. He begins to think the adjustment from his current fly by the seat of his pants lifestyle to seriously dating a woman with kids is too grand for him at this moment. Despite his genuine feelings….and while the relationship has not gotten too serious….he falls back gradually. He begins to search for that great woman, that motherly portrait he created from my stencil in someone else. Hopefully, he will meet someone he is just as compatible with, but may not have that “baggage”. Maybe he will meet someone just as great as me. Why not? Isn’t there an abundance of attractive, independent, loving, easy-going, single women out there who have my uniqueness? Sure he will be alright. Or maybe not.

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When speaking to the divorced lady at the spa, she has been divorced for several years. She speaks to me about the struggles of dating, the energy it takes, her focus on getting her son through college and the dynamics of dating in Manhattan. My hopes slowly begin to dissipate. However, speaking to fellow divorced mothers while we stand aside at our kids extra curriculars, they speak of meeting someone. They have a spark in their eye as they discuss how they are now steady dating a great family guy for about six months. Another divorcee they tell me…a potential modern-day Brady Bunch. Hmmm…Where do you find this person, I ask. They mention the various online dating sites. How intricate the screening and selection process is on these sites. Hmmm….So in contrast of being out socially, I just need to huddle in my bed and surf the net for my potential mate? I have mix feelings of these dating sites. Maybe if my dating pattern doesn’t turn for the better, I might consider in 2014.

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While my dating reality has not yet ended with a successful conclusion, or as quickly as those publicized in the celebrity tabloids. I do not regret any date. I learn more about myself each time, what I do want and do not want from a potential mate. While dating is not my number one priority in life, I am still hopeful. The time I do allocate in meeting someone special allows me to explore new life experiences, understand people better and is not wasted. Who knows, maybe eventually my reality will become a fantasy to someone else.